Meme? Here?

1. What's your name?
Samantha. What's yours?

2. What is your favorite thing to wear?
Black.

3. Last thing you ate?
Lunch.

4. One place you will NEVER eat?
I tend to avoid McDonald's, but try to never say never.

5. I say 'shotgun,' you say:
Wedding?

6. Last person you hugged?
Andrew.

7. Does anyone you know wanna date you?
I don't know. I hope so. It's good for my ego.

8. Would you date anyone you met online?
I think I have...

9. Name something you like about your physical self:
I like my muscles.

10. The last place you went out to dinner?
Desert Moon Cafe.

11. Who is your best friend?
My husband.

12. What time of the day is it?
2:45 pm.

13. Who/What made you angry today?
Hearing Saxby Chambliss' victory speech on NPR. RAGE.

14. Baseball or football?
Baseball on TV, football live. Fencing FTW.

15. Ever gone skinny dipping?
I don't think so, actually.

16. Favorite type of food?
Sushi.

17. Favorite holiday:
Christmas.

18. Do you download music?
I did when I had a gift certificate to iTunes...

19. Do you care if your socks are dirty?
No.

20. Opinion of Chinese symbol tattoos?
I don't really care, but I will mock you if you are not fully aware of what your tattoo means.

21. Would you date the person who posted this?
No. She's definitely not my type. Lovely, but no.

22. Has anyone ever sung or played for you personally?
Yep.

23. Do you love anyone?
Lots of people.

24. Are colored contact lenses sexy?
That would depend on the color.

25. Have you ever bungee jumped?
No, but I think about it sometimes.

26. Have you ever gone white-water rafting?
Sort of. The rapids weren't very ... rapid-y, though.

27. Has anyone ten years older than you ever hit on you?
A few. Some successfully.

28. How many pets do you have?
2 kitties.

29. Have you met a real redneck?
I am from Georgia. You figure it out.

30. How is the weather right now?
Not cold enough.

31. What are you listening to right now?
Deep Blue Something.

32. What is your current favorite song?
"Busby Berkeley Dreams" by The Magnetic Fields.

33. What was the last movie you watched?
An Ideal Husband. It was fun!

34. Do you wear contacts?
Yes, quite.

35. Where was the last place you went besides your house?
Work, fencing.

36. What are you afraid of?
Spiders and death.

37. How many piercings have you had?
Three.

38. What further piercings do you want?
I keep saying I'll get an upper ear one...

39. What's one thing you've learned this year?
So many things that I can't think of just one.

40. What do you usually order from Starbucks?
Either a chai latte or hot tea.

41. What Magazines are you reading?
I subscribe to Self and Vegetarian Times.

42. Have you ever fired a gun:
Ick.

43. Are you missing someone?
Sure.

44. Favorite TV show?
Don't really have a favorite.

45. Do you have an obsession with WoW?
No, but I like The Guild.

46. Has anyone ever said you looked like a celeb?
Yes.

47. Which celeb do you look like?
I usually get Christina Ricci. I've also heard Winona Ryder, Demi Moore, Ally Sheedy, and Audrey Hepburn. No, seriously.

48. Who would you like to see right now?
Oh, you know, in a perfect world Robert Downey, Jr. would show up to do some research for a role...

49. Favorite movie of all time?
Singing in the Rain. I normally don't do favorites but I made an executive decision on this one.

50. Do you find yourself loved?
Yes.

51. Have you ever been caught doing something you weren't supposed to?
Of course.

52. Favorite smell?
Rain? I dunno.

53. Butter, plain, or salted popcorn?
Butter butter butter.

54. What's something that really bugs you?
Nearly everything at some point in time.

55. Do you like Michael Jackson?
I am ambivalent towards the Gloved One.

56. Taco Bell or Burger King?
Taco Bell, hands down.

57. What's your favorite perfume?
Anything "amber".

58. Favorite baseball team?
Go Twins!!

59. Ever call a 1-900 phone number?
I don't think so.

60. What's the longest time you've gone without sleep?
I've probably done about 24 hours.

61. Last time you went bowling?
Oh geez. In Bloomington? With Mari and Davin? Maybe?

62. Where is the weirdest place you have slept?
Please, I have enough trouble sleeping at home.

63. Who was your last phone call?
Probably Andrew. Or Ben.

64. Last time you were at work?
Currently.

65. What's the closest orange object to you?
My sweater's kind of orange...

Cut that out!

injunction:
1. The act or an instance of enjoining: order,admonition
2. A writ granted by a court of equity whereby one is required to do or to refrain from doing a specified act.

Enjoining? To direct or impose by authoritative order or with urgent admonition.

Brought to you by Howard Zinn and the ever-present M-W.com.

Celebrity baby names: WTF?

Do you think that there are out there in the world tons of ridiculous names, and that it is just because they are in the public eye that it seems as though celebrities come up with the craziest ones? I mean, maybe there's lots of other kids out there with names like Zuma and Apple and Pilot Inspektor and we just don't know about it because their parents aren't famous. Whatever the case, here's the newest crazy effing name, granted to a child who will, no doubt, get eyeliner and black nailpolish for Christmas and who will be beaten up because his dad is Pete Wentz, notwithstanding the fact that his name is Bronx Mowgli Wentz. Honestly, given the parents, we should have expected something insane, but wow. Just, wow.

Welcome to the world. Sorry, kid.

WOD: lucubrations

Don't ask me. Shows up in Special Collections a fair amount, though. Fancy word from the 18th-19th centuries, having something to do with miscellaneous sort of writings.

Hit me, Merriam Webster: "laborious or intensive study ; also : the product of such study —usually used in plural."

You're on your own with pronunciation ... I'm still practicing.

Edification, courtesy of NPR

This morning, there were a few things I decided to look up after hearing them discussed on NPR. I will say that again, I had sort of the gist of them, but wanted some clarification. Here we go!

pragmatic:According to Merriam Webster Online, if something is pragmatic, it is "relating to matters of fact or practical affairs often to the exclusion of intellectual or artistic matters : practical as opposed to idealistic." While I don't really like the bit about excluding intellectual matters, seeing as this was in reference to Obama's team of economic advisers, I'm mostly glad to hear it. Wasn't he supposedly going to be the idealism king? I don't really think that exclusion is valid in this particular instance, Obama being fairly intellectual. Anyway.

I've also decided that, since I'm attempting to pay closer attention to the workings of our governement, it's a really good time to learn some things since Obama is choosing his cabinet and filling all these positions, etc. To that end, the first nomination, apparently, is for the position of Attorney General, that going to one Eric Holder. "Attorney General" seems to be more or less a simple concept; my guess would be that what we're talking about here is kind of the head lawyer for a presidential administration. According to the website of the Department of Justice, "the Judiciary Act of 1789 created the Office of the Attorney General which evolved over the years into the head of the Department of Justice and chief law enforcement officer of the Federal Government. The Attorney General represents the United States in legal matters generally and gives advice and opinions to the President and to the heads of the executive departments of the Government when so requested. In matters of exceptional gravity or importance the Attorney General appears in person before the Supreme Court. Since the 1870 Act that established the Department of Justice as an executive department of the government of the United States, the Attorney General has guided the world's largest law office and the central agency for enforcement of federal laws." So that's what he does. For extra edification, the mission statement of the Department of Justice is "to enforce the law and defend the interests of the United States according to the law; to ensure public safety against threats foreign and domestic; to provide federal leadership in preventing and controlling crime; to seek just punishment for those guilty of unlawful behavior; and to ensure fair and impartial administration of justice for all Americans." I guess the only thing that confuses me a little here is the bit about being the "chief law enforcement officer", which just makes the AG sound like a policeman. I suppose, though, that since law enforcement does fall to the Judicial branch of government (as opposed to the other two) that it's all the same, really. It's just the use of the term "officer" that throws me, I think.

Kindly do not make fun of me - I was never a good student, and the last time I studied government would have been 10 years ago, so there. I'm doing well to remember what little I do. At any rate, it's never too late to learn things, right? [Right.]

Personal Word of the Day

Upon encountering a word for which I do not know the definition, I shall look it up and post my findings here. To wit, a short story, by Walter de la Mare, entitled "The Froward Child". Froward is a word that I've often read, and I more or less understand in the context that it means "difficult", but my curiosity was piqued, regardless. Merriam-Webster Online says: habitually disposed to disobedience and opposition.

That sounds much grander than "difficult", doesn't it?

Womanizer

I appreciate a good pop song as much as the next kid, but the chorus of "Womanizer" is nothing more than two lines, "musically" stuttered. Can't Britney afford a better writing team? Also, the video is ... strangely inane. What's with the hair-tossing? "Look! The wigs stay on!" It mostly seems like an excuse for Britney to be artfully naked so we can see that she's got her body back. I'm sure that I'm just getting older, but seriously, pretty much any Madonna song/video prior to the year 2000 is better than this. Hell, Katy Perry is better than this.

Motherhood vs. Candidacy

There was a story on NPR this morning about how many people (apparently mostly women) are taking issue with Sarah Palin's vice-president candidacy on the grounds that she ought to be more concerned about her children than her political career. I have to say that, despite being a fairly liberally-minded woman, and not a mother, I am inclined to agree. However, as in all things, I'm looking for perspective. Some of the women interviewed made the claim that she should be putting her children first, some women said that it was not the business of anyone else to judge her parenting skills, and the point was also made that, in general, the United States public is not concerning itself with whether or not Obama (or McCain, for that matter) ought to be putting the needs of his children first. Ah yes, the ever-present cry of sexism. I've got a couple of points I want to make here, in reverse order.

1. It's true that nobody is saying Barack Obama ought to be at home taking care of his kids. However, I would point out that, to the best of my knowledge, nobody said that about Hillary Clinton, either. I think that we have to look at each individual situation. It really does have a certain amount to do with the age of the children involved. Chelsea Clinton was already a teenager by the time her mother was running for the US Senate, never mind the presidency. Sarah Palin has five children, of which (assumedly) all but one still live at home, and one of which is not even a year old and has Downs' Syndrome. It is my personal belief that yes, her children still need a greater degree of parental involvement from both parents. Let's not even get into the discussion about Palin's eldest daughter, who obviously had need of parental guidance and didn't get it. I will also say that I've read some interviews with the Obamas in which they address their methods in raising their children, and they talked a lot about how they functioned as a team and about how they worked hard to be present and keep the lines of communication open with their kids. I admit that their presented ideas about children agree strongly with my own at this point, so I'm inclined to applaud them on that count, but it still just seemed very healthy to me.
2. I agree that it is not the place of anyone else to judge Palin (or anyone) on the manner in which she chooses to raise her kids. (Or what she names them ...wtf?)However, I think that we can take something away from the situation in terms of how she handles/looks at responsibility. Kids are the biggest responsibility anyone, adult or otherwise, can take on, and I think that more important than the issues of sexism involved is the question of whether or not a person has really given serious thought to how much other activity can go on at the same time as the attempts to maintain a family. Maybe she really is a superwoman who can balance it all, but I think that maybe I'd rather see someone opt out of an activity out of concern that it might be too much as opposed to taking it all on and waiting for "too much" to present itself.
3. Finally, yes. I do think that it is somewhat selfish for Palin to try for one of the biggest jobs in the country when she's got 4 kids at home, one with extra-special needs, and an imminent grandchild whose parents are still children themselves.What it is mostly about is those children: people who probably need Mrs. Palin more than the country does. What's that saying? "(Insert noun here) starts at home"? There are many ways in which a person can make this country/world a better place, and I think that raising good people is one of them. It's got nothing to do with sex to me. I have thought a fair amount about the effect that the election/presidency will have on Obama's kids, too. Maybe that's where my personal politics come in in addition to more information regarding the Obamas stance on how they're raising their kids. I've read a bit about that, so I feel as though they've addressed the issue. Perhaps we should give Palin time to sound off a bit more on the subject. I just get the feeling that it will be contradictory to what she stands for in a lot of other ways. I'm not sure you can really wave the "conservative hockey mom" flag while you're out there stumping and a nanny takes care of your kids. You're young, Mrs. Palin. Why not give it a few years, let your kids grow up, and then run for president?

Again, just my opinion. I admit to being highly liberal and thinking that Sarah Palin is only about two steps down from Ann Coulter as it is. I admit that I'm not a parent yet, so I don't fully know what I'm talking about. I'm planning on being a parent sooner rather than later, though, so I think about the topic a lot. Finally, I admit that my arguments aren't airtight. In typing them out I've seen plenty of holes, and I've questioned my own statements a time or two. Like I said, though, all I ask is perspective. Mine's not perfect either, but at least I'm trying to think about the issue rather than just throw out a black and white answer devoid of thought. We've got enough of that floating around these days, don't you think?

Blogging a blog

One of my sites that gets checked every day is IMDb. They quite often have interesting links and news items that an entertainment culture nerd like myself gets a kick out of. Today, I'm particularly enjoying this link: Cinematical Seven: Children's Books That Need to be Filmed Immediately. I have to admit that I haven't read 3 of the 7 (perhaps incentive to correct that...), but Cinematical gets major points from me for mentioning two of my favorite books from my childhood; namely Ghosts I Have Been and Jackaroo. I would love to see either of those on the big screen, and I'm really going to have to go read them over again, now. There might be some book-buying in my future. Hrm.

Anyway. Check it out! You might find something to read...

Under the radar catablogging

Alright, so I'm not officially blogging at work yet, but I'm just so excited by this particular item that I'm jumping the gun.
Mary : a fiction
[Wollstonecraft, Mary, 1759-1797]
London : Printed for J. Johnson, St. Paul's Church-Yard, MDCCLXXXVIII [1788]

This is the first edition of Mary Wollstonecraft's first and only novel before she went on to write A Vindication on the Rights of Women. Wikipedia calls this novel "an important development in the history of the novel because it helped shape an emerging feminist discourse." In checking the catalog for a Wollstonecraft bibliography, I came upon John Windle's Mary Wollstonecraft Godwin 1759-1797, which is a very nice and detailed bibliography, complete with transcriptions, collational formulas, and title-page facsimiles. Our copy is, sadly lacking the half-title, which Windle says is "required", but it does have the manuscript "correction" on page 178. I'm not positive whether or not a copy without the half-title is of a different edition, etc. but it seems as though the manuscript point would still indicate the first edition. Either way, I think this is pretty sweet, so sue me.

Random rare book revelations

So, post-RBS, I have (mostly unsurpisingly) lost momentum, but seem to have settled into what I think is an upward climb in terms of cataloging. Writing a policy is on hold because there's just too much prior information to be slogged through. I've had occasion to get my hands on some leftover 16th century items in the Dewey collection, so attempts are being made to get those cataloged in proper(ish) DCRMB format. Last week I felt as though I'd learned just enough to be dangerous -- this week I have felt quite inadequate, but it's getting better. I'm refreshing things learned in grad school, putting into practice things learned at RBS, and I think I'm starting to churn out some reasonably pretty records. I've learned that truly, most collational formulae are not that complex, that it's really fun/exciting to correctly identify printers' devices, and that 16th century French printers often used "lz" as a substitute for "k". I'm quite getting the hang of the whole "u/v" problem, but I must say that even when you know you're transcribing correctly, it's really frustrating to write down something as a "u" when in modern terms it would be a "v". And boy, do I ever need to learn Latin. I sort of know what words ought to look like, so I can usually tell what's missing with contractions, but it'd be nice to know what the words mean.

All in all, I guess I am feeling much more comfortable and confident about this gig, and that's worth a lot. Now then, this here book is not gonna collate itself. Once more into the fray...

Oh. I meant to make a note of the things that are still problematic. I am still very confused by 240s and 246s, still afraid of describing bindings, and don't quite get the concept of the order of 500 notes. I'm trying to remember to plug in 752s in OCLC, but apparently they don't transfer out. What I need to do is compile a list of the areas I'm doing and just make sure that my records go down the checklist. Hmm.

Purposefully vague

Isn't it funny how in just the right set of circumstances, some action from your past that you've never really questioned suddenly seems other than what it was? What's that Meatloaf song? "Objects in the Rear View Mirror May Appear Closer Than They Are". As though looking backwards suddenly makes one wistful, makes the past rosy, makes us forget what we really thought/felt and unconsciously remember it differently. Can't go back but wouldn't even if you could, so what's the difference?

How ridiculous.

Briefly

A few words to remind myself that I (might) have a lot to say and (definitely) have a lot to do following my experience at Rare Book School. Of first order, though, is actually getting home again, so signing off from hotel a la Charlottesville. Miles to go before I sleep...

Tall order

Ever been to freewillastrology.com? Here's mine for the day.

LEO:
ButlersGuild.com named Mr. Ravi Shankar as its Butler of the Year. Serving as Head Butler of the Qasr Al Sharq hotel in Jeddah, Saudi Arabia, Shankar "always acts with complete integrity in everything he does." Your simple yet arduous assignment, Leo, is to be worthy of that same description. Are you up to the challenge? Can you be morally and ethically impeccable, between now and noon on June 18, in every single thing you do and say and think? Do you have the willpower to be absolutely free of hypocrisies, deceits, and manipulations? Can you refrain from speaking derisive or careless words about anyone, while at the same time being rigorously authentic and intent on telling the deepest truths?

Yikes. A worthy challenge, to be sure.

Turn of phrase

There's a phrase that has long confused me, and when I came upon it last night in chapter 2 of The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay, I attempted to dissect it, and became even more confused than I was before. The phrase in question is "not unkindly". First of all, isn't that a double negative? Not + un? Secondly, it seems to be purposefully contradictory of itself. Let's break it down. First of all, the word kindly. Merriam Webster Online defines kindly as "of an agreeable or beneficial nature". So kindly = good. Moving on to unkindly, which is defined as "not kindly". Nice and succinct, there, MW. Unkindly = bad. Now, "not unkindly". Basically, what we're talking about here, at a very basic level, is not not kindly. It's so ...awkward. Why is it so often used?
The thing that really gets me, though, is how it's used in narrative. I think the reason it's so bloody confusing is that the context is never, ever clear. For example:

When the train at last crawled back into the Prague station early that evening, Josef remained in his seat, unable to move, until a passing conductor suggested, not unkindly, that the young gentleman had better get off.

That could so easily be taken either way. The conductor could be a nice guy and sympathetically tell the poor young man he needed to get off the train, OR he could just as easily be a total jerk and say "Beat it, ya bum." Obviously, given our new clarification of the phrase, the conductor is the former. But really, that double negative confuses us, and we're left unsettled, not entirely sure that we've read it right, and wondering if we're supposed to be feeling any more badly for poor Josef Kavalier than we already are.

Not, perhaps, the most enlightening blog post ever, but hey! Now that I've picked the whole thing apart, I understand it a lot more. And really, it's my blog. Isn't it all about me? I mean that not unkindly. ;)

Bernard Pivot/James Lipton Questionnaire

1. What is your favorite word?
Renaissance.
2. What is your least favorite word?
Mature.
3. What turns you on?
Sarcasm.
4. What turns you off?
Tone-deafness.
5. What sound or noise do you love?
Rain and thunder.
6. What sound or noise do you hate?
Retching.
7. What is your favorite curseword?
I think that "fuck" needs no excuses, explanations, or embellishments.
8. What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?
Acting.
9. What profession would you not like to participate in?
Medicine.
10. If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?
"Never mind that whole 'the road to hell' thing; your intentions were good."

Book nerdery: updated

"What we have here is the top 106 books most often marked as "unread" by LibraryThing’s users. As in, they sit on the shelf to make you look smart or well-rounded. Bold the ones you've read, underline the ones you read for school, italicize the ones you started but didn't finish. Here's the twist: add (*) beside the ones you liked and would (or did) read again or recommend. Even if you read 'em for school in the first place."

I saw this list yesterday on one of the book nerd blogs I read, and it looked interesting...I have to admit to looking forward to seeing how many of these I have actually read. Plus, of course, I shall use it as a reference going forward. There are several on the list I've been meaning to get to...

The Aeneid
The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay*
American Gods*
Anansi Boys
Angela’s Ashes : a memoir
Angels & Demons
Anna Karenina
Atlas Shrugged* (Read multiple times.)
Beloved
The Blind Assassin
Brave New World
The Brothers Karamazov (I'll go back eventually.)
The Canterbury Tales
The Catcher in the Rye* (This is a favorite.)
Catch-22
A Clockwork Orange
Cloud Atlas
Collapse : how societies choose to fail or succeed
A Confederacy of Dunces
The Confusion
The Corrections
The Count of Monte Cristo* (One of the best books ever.)
Crime and Punishment
Cryptonomicon
The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time
David Copperfield
Don Quixote
Dracula* (Another fave.)
Dubliners*
Dune
Eats, Shoots & Leaves* (Everyone should read this.)
Emma
Foucault’s Pendulum
The Fountainhead (Not as good as Atlas.)
Frankenstein* (Classic!!)
Freakonomics : a rogue economist explores the hidden side of everything
The God of Small Things
The Grapes of Wrath
Gravity’s Rainbow
Great Expectations* (Awesome.)
Gulliver’s Travels (Didn't like it; ought to try again.)
Guns, Germs, and Steel: the fates of human societies
A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius
The Historian : a novel
The Hobbit* (Duh.)
The Hunchback of Notre Dame
The Iliad (Not as good as The Odyssey.)
In Cold Blood : a true account of a multiple murder and its consequences
The Inferno
Jane Eyre* (OMG Love.)
Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrell* (Reading now!!)
The Kite Runner
Les Misérables
Life of Pi : a novel
Lolita
Love in the Time of Cholera
Madame Bovary
Mansfield Park
Memoirs of a Geisha
Middlemarch (Awesome.)
Middlesex
Mrs. Dalloway
The Mists of Avalon* (Over and over and over...)
Moby Dick
The Name of the Rose
Neverwhere
1984
Northanger Abbey
The Odyssey
Oliver Twist
The Once and Future King
One Hundred Years of Solitude
On the Road (Sorry, but this is boring.)
One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest
Oryx and Crake : a novel
A People’s History of the United States : 1492-present (Currently reading.)
Persuasion*
The Picture of Dorian Gray
The Poisonwood Bible : a novel
A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man (Quite confusing.)
Pride and Prejudice
The Prince
Quicksilver
Reading Lolita in Tehran : a memoir in books
The Satanic Verses
The Scarlet Letter
Sense and Sensibility
A Short History of Nearly Everything
The Silmarillion
Slaughterhouse-five
The Sound and the Fury
A Tale of Two Cities
Tess of the D’Urbervilles
The Time Traveler’s Wife
To the Lighthouse
Treasure Island
The Three Musketeers
Ulysses (I will go back again someday.)
The Unbearable Lightness of Being
Vanity Fair
War and Peace
Watership Down*
White Teeth
Wicked : the life and times of the wicked witch of the West
Wuthering Heights
Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance : an inquiry into values

So...how'd I do? 49? Almost half. Not bad! :)

For me to know, having found out -

It may be good ... that romantic love should form the motive for a marriage, but it should be understood that the kind of love which will enable a marriage to remain happy and to fulfill its social purpose is not romantic, but is something more intimate, affectionate, and realistic.

~Bertrand Russell, Marriage and Morals

Bloody brilliant. Also,

Unhappiness is the ultimate form of self-indulgence.
~Tom Robbins

A favorite-

The sea is calm to-night.
The tide is full, the moon lies fair
Upon the straits; on the French coast the light
Gleams and is gone; the cliffs of England stand;
Glimmering and vast, out in the tranquil bay.
Come to the window, sweet is the night-air!
Only, from the long line of spray
Where the sea meets the moon-blanched land,
Listen! you hear the grating roar
Of pebbles which the waves draw back, and fling,
At their return, up the high strand,
Begin, and cease, and then again begin,
With tremulous cadence slow, and bring
The eternal note of sadness in.

Sophocles long ago
Heard it on the Agaean, and it brought
Into his mind the turbid ebb and flow
Of human misery; we
Find also in the sound a thought,
Hearing it by this distant northern sea.

The Sea of Faith
Was once, too, at the full, and round earth's shore
Lay like the folds of a bright girdle furled.
But now I only hear
Its melancholy, long, withdrawing roar,
Retreating, to the breath
Of the night-wind, down the vast edges drear
And naked shingles of the world.


Ah, love, let us be true
To one another! for the world, which seems
To lie before us like a land of dreams,
So various, so beautiful, so new,
Hath really neither joy, nor love, nor light,
Nor certitude, nor peace, nor help for pain;
And we are here as on a darkling plain
Swept with confused alarms of struggle and flight,
Where ignorant armies clash by night.

~Dover Beach, Matthew Arnold

Breakthrough?

So, last weekend I fenced in the North Atlantic Sectional Championships. Competitors were from various parts of NY, ME, RI, CT, MA and maybe a few other New England type spots. Vermont? Anyway, there were 50 competitors in Women's Epee - pretty strong event. I had what continues to seem to me a mind-bogglingly good day, and I finished in 3d place. I am WAY excited about this for many reasons, most importantly the fact that it's truly the best fencing I've done in a really long time - possibly ever. It was smart and well-executed. If I had fenced that way and not made it as far as the round of 4 I think I still would have been pretty stoked. To be able to say that I earned a medal, reconfirmed my C (THANK GOD), and qualified to fence Division IA at Nationals (even though I'm not going) is so much really tasty gravy. It's mostly nice to feel as if work and practice is starting to pay off, and maybe I'm going to climb off of my 4 year plateau sometime in the near future.

So, yay. :D

Pretty

Beloved, thou hast brought me many flowers
Plucked in the garden, all the summer through
And winter, and it seemed as if they grew
In this close room, nor missed the sun and showers.
So, in the like name of that love of ours,
Take back these thoughts which here unfolded too,
And which on warm and cold days I withdrew
From my heart's ground. Indeed, those beds and
bowers
Be overgrown with bitter weeds and rue,
And wait thy weeding; yet here's eglantine,
Here's ivy!-take them, as I used to do
Thy flowers, and keep them where they shall not pine.
Instruct thine eyes to keep their colours true,
And tell thy soul their roots are left in mine.

~Elizabeth Barrett Browning

Sweet November

Based off of trivia and quotes from the film Sweet November, it would appear that Jason Isaacs (Lucius Malfoy, c'mon) appears as the cross-dressing, possibly gay best friend character. That might almost be worth watching. What is the world coming to?

Why fencing? (250 words or less)

My friends who run the Phoenix Center, where I now fence, have asked their fencers to write a short essay on why they enjoy fencing. I thought it was an interesting exercise ... mostly to break it down to the gist of the thing and to really look at my thoughts on the subject. I thought it might be worth sharing. Enjoy.

Why do I love to fence? I believe that fencing is a true metaphor for all other aspects of life; both in terms of social existence and internal growth. Involvement in the sport can aid and enhance personal development in a variety of ways.

My favorite aspect of fencing is the fact that anyone can do it. Fencers come in all sizes: short, tall, fat, thin; they come in all ages and colors and from walks of life. I’m not entirely sure there’s another sport that can boast of such diversity. I’ve made lifelong friends through fencing, and I’m always amazed by the range of people who choose to devote some part of themselves to the sport.

Fencing encompasses all of the positives of engaging in an athletic endeavor: fitness, discipline, a sense of pride in one’s performance. Before I took up fencing, I was not a particularly athletically gifted person; now I can move into just about any sport and perform as a reasonable level. It’s helped me stay in shape and been a motivating factor in maintaining exercise habits. It’s developed a healthy sense of competition.

Ultimately, fencing has made me who I am. After sixteen years, I truly believe that I have found all of the best and worst in myself through fencing. I understand my limitations and my strengths, both physically and mentally. Fencing means personal growth, social development, and application of oneself to something that can prove worthwhile for a lifetime.

Resistance is futile

I was thinking this morning about assimilation. Not in scary Borg terms, but just in general. The kind of assimilation that makes us become a minivan-driving soccer mom, or that makes the be-tattooed and pierced mid-twenty something crowd buy their babies' onesies at Hot Topic.

You know, it's all conformity. We're all conforming to something. It is only our own sensibilities that determine what we conform to, at least at the most personal level. I think the point I was trying to get to in my head was that, to a degree, there is nothing wrong with a little bit of conformity. It's the natural byproduct of being a part of human society. There are certain concessions to be made to the social mentality. Accept it. It doesn't have to be a complete destruction of one's personality or beliefs, particularly if it's with regard to something of only marginal importance. Much like the favorite cliche, I'm not saying that if all your friends shoot heroin, you should do the same. I'm saying ... if it's the concession that you have to, say, wear business attire for an interview, suck it up. Is it really that big a deal? Is it life-threatening? Are you really going to spontaneously turn into Donald Trump if you have to wear something other than your usual uniform in order to feed yourself and pay your rent? Look at it this way: it's modern evolution at work. Survival of the fittest. Keep your principles, if you wish, but understand that there may come a time where it's them or you.

It seems to me that there's a fine line to being principled. Great, you've got your guns and you're stickin' to 'em. All I ask is for a little perspective, a little moderation. I think you can stick to your guns in a mature manner and understand that sometimes, well, you're just gonna have to leave those guns at home. I don't think one needs to take such a mandate as some personal indictment of, well, anything. Just means you're behaving like a rational human being. Be yourself at home. Go nuts. Be yourself around your friends. At some point, you will reach a balance and discover that there are ways to even be yourself at work or within the confines of greater society. And it's not selling out. It's being a grown-up. It's surviving. It's Darwin, man.

I don't have a big point to make here; it's just something I was thinking about. I know a lot of younger people who are struggling to find the balance in life between wishing to never be forced not to be themselves, and understanding that sometimes, you're just gonna have to be somebody else for a little while. The point is just not to turn into that other person all the time; rather to combine the necessary traits of Society You with Real You.

I definitely consider myself an individual. I hope to remain one. For me, being an individual means liking what I like and doing what I do, regardless of whether or not someone else thinks it's completely bizarre or completely mainstream. I like Dave Matthews and Fantomas. I enjoy professional sports, but I do think the glorification and pay of professional atheletes is obscene. I like to be esoteric and intellectual sometimes, and sometimes I like to watch television and pay attention to the trainwreck that is Britney Spears. I have my doubts about whether or not marriage as a social function is really the right idea, but I chose to get married and to make that relationship work through active engagement, conversation, and compromise. I would infinitely prefer to spend my time in jeans and flip-flops, but I accept that as an adult, sometimes I have to wear high heels.

Conformity doesn't have to be a four-letter word. Just think of it as a survival tactic, except that instead of developing a longer, pointier beak, you're learning to hold your opinions in check if it will keep you from offending your boss. It's still all about making it home with (and for) dinner.

What kind of flirt are you?

I log out of Myspace, and there it is - one of those annoying and ubiquitous (annoyingly ubiquitous?) flash ads, demanding to know what kind of flirt I am. There are horrifically stereotypical pictures with captions like "Seductive" or "Playful" and what-have-you, and as I'm sitting there looking at it, I realize that there's only one good answer to that question.

"Successful."

All-important questions (XLJ)

Would you watch seven seasons (seven seasons) of a television show that you are only mildly interested in, just for the sake of catching a celebrity you love in something like 4 episodes in the middle of the very last season? Think carefully about that. I just can't countenance it, somehow, and people who know the show seem to think I'll be terribly lost and confused if I just watch those 4 or 5 episodes.

...No, I'm not going to tell you. I'll be impressed if you can guess, though.

Five times?

Maximum Strength Mick asks, "What movies have you watched five times?"

I am totally on board with this. My favorite movies aren't all classics, they're just movies that I love, that never fail to touch me or make me laugh or just have some kind of effect. As such, here are five movies that I can always watch.
Singin' in the Rain
Sense & Sensibility(Ang Lee/Emma Thompson)
Clueless
Amelie
Notting Hill

Some of 'em won Oscars, some of 'em didn't. I love them, though, and I'd totally give them awards. S&S would get the Best Declaration of Love award (Edward to Eleanor), as well as the Most Moving Moment, Non-Verbal award (Brandon after he brings Marianne's mother). Clueless totally gets the Best First Kiss award (Josh & Cher), Notting Hill wins the Most Absurd Storyline that Still Actually Kind of Works award. Singin' in the Rain is just the best movie ever, I think. Amelie has the distinction of being a movie that I can watch and then, as the credits begin to roll, think to myself "I could watch it again..."

So yeah. I'm all for Award Season and celebrating a bunch of movies that very few people outside of Academy members saw, but let's be honest. Who's really gonna buy There Will be Blood on DVD and watch it over and over again? Last of the Mohicans, now, there's a Daniel Day-Lewis movie I've seen five times.

Long live the arguably lowbrow but always enjoyable movie. I'm gonna go home and watch the rest of The 10th Kingdom.

Warm-up

So, I went to a tournament last night. A nearby club hosts monthly, Wednesday night tournaments, not really big affairs, but I think you'll find that it wasn't noticeably a slouch tournament. For the non-fencer, all those Bs and Cs mean pretty decent fencers. Add to that the fact that most of them were men, and they're generally stronger fencers (both literally and figuratively) than a woman of the same ranking. Not always true, but a reasonable guess.
In my pool, I broke even, 2-2. I beat the two other women handily (5-1 in both cases). I lost to the two men 5-3 and 5-4, which I'm perfectly happy with, under the circumstances. Neither of them was completely unbeatable for me.
I actually won my first DE, which I was very happy about, given the guy was quite easily twice my size. And apparently a C himself. Go me! 15-14 makes it look like a crap shoot, but I will say that I fenced well the entire bout, used my head, and was just making less mistakes than he was.
I lost my second DE to the eventual winner, who I'd call a pretty strong B, and I don't think he was unbeatable either. He was doing a lot of showy moves that, had I been focusing on the correct target, I would have made him pay for. I don't think I was what he was expecting at all. I'm really, really happy with 15-10 on a solid (male) B.
So, I finished in 8th. I'm totally happy with that result.

All this is leading up to the fact that I will be in Atlanta this weekend, fencing at the Div I NAC. Again, for non-fencers, a Div I means that you have to be at least a C to compete, and you'll be competing against other Cs as well as Bs and As. It's not mixed, so I'll just be fencing women. Div Is are the big time; the people who will be on the Olympic Team for this year are at these things. I actually warmed up with an Olympic prospect at my last Div I.

What this all means, in very simple terms (if you're actually still reading) is that I will most likely get my ass completely handed to me. But I hope to learn something from that, and I hope to do better than at my first Div I, so we'll see how it goes. I'm definitely on a little bit of a high from last night, so we'll keep that momentum going. I stayed calm, I wasn't terribly sloppy, I did a semi-decent job of evaluating my opponents and altering my game accordingly. So, wish me luck.

Mostly, I'm excited to see old friends, hang out with my brother, and buy new equipment. Gotta pick up the rating this year, otherwise it'll go down, and D08 just doesn't have an attractive ring to it.

That's quite enough fencing talk for a while. Tonight there is nothing more exciting planned than a trip to the gym and Waitress with Nathan Fillion. Mmmm. That He ought to get me through the day.

PS: Just got my re-lo reimbursement check from Vassar, so now it's totally a good day. Squee!

Quote of the Day

The Roycrofters were participants of an arts & crafts community in New York in the 20th century. They had a press and published books that look a lot like stuff from the Kelmscott Press. This quote is from the back of such a publication in pamphlet form.

Hate means a hot-box and sand in the bearings, while love lubricates all the affairs of life.

...awesome.

How Can I Keep from Singing?

It's rather frustrating to not have an office; rather, to work in a rather small area ... I listen to music through my headphones, and sometimes, with a song I like, it's all I can do to keep from singing along. Sometimes it's almost a physical discomfort. How ridiculous.

But oh my love, though our bodies may be parted
Though our skin may not touch skin
Look for me with the sun-bright sparrow
I will come on the breath of the wind
~Yankee Bayonet (I Will Be Home Then): The Decemberists

Come on
Without you I'll never feel the love inside of me
Come on, you know that we belong
Come on, come on, come on, come on
~Come On: Ben Jelen

Can he really really
really really really
really really be that bad?
~Really That Bad: The Pipettes

Singing boy pick up that fiddle
And play that steel guitar
And find yourself a lady
And dance right where you are
~Private Conversation: Lyle Lovett

There was a time you let me know
What's real and going on below
But now you never show it to me, do you?
And remember when I moved in you?
The holy dark was moving too
And every breath we drew was Hallelujah
~Hallelujah: Rufus Wainwright

The End of 2007

I'll talk about the holidays some other time, but now I'm in the empty student center at Vassar, checking up on things. The guy a few kiosks behind me has been playing Morphine out loud for the past 15 minutes, and I'm really tempted to turn around and request "Whisper".


Happy New Year.

Jesus H. Christ, Hollywood...

They know what causes babies now, y'know. And it's not something in the water.

Why we have more fun when we're young:

LOVE (imagine that it's flashing; hell, throw in some jazz hands, too) is much more entertaining than actual settled-down-wouldn't-trade-grow-old-together love.

Think about it.

Hypocrisy and Comfort Levels

At work:

So, I walk around the corner, headed to the bathroom, and over in the corner is a girl laying stretched on the floor next to her laptop, which is playing (out loud, no headphones) what sounds like Carrie Underwood. I keep walking, mentally shaking my head and thinking "Geez, what does she think this is, her living room?" and am forced to remind myself that I'm on the way to the bathroom in order to brush my teeth.

Always the best

I stay in reasonably close contact with a friend that I worked with at Buffalo's Cafe, during my (original) college days. Today, we're chatting online when he receives a phone call from another former Buffalo's employee. She called to tell him that another co-worker of ours had died two months ago in a housefire.

Man. I don't even know what to say about that. I remember her so well. She was, first of all, a gorgeous girl. She was also sweet, sassy, and smart, and one of the hardest workers I've ever known. We called her "The Machine".

She was one of the good ones, y'know? It's so weird how things like this happen, not only to good people, but seemingly to a small group of individuals; for example, college students who worked at Buffalo's during the late 90s. We lost another coworker several years ago to a drunk driver, and just this past year another individual who was a regular musician at Buffalo's died suddenly from cancer.

I guess sometimes we need a reminder that life and death are inescapable and without judgement.

Bibliomania

"I have been asked to write a foreword to this bibliography, a work whose good fortune I truly desire, but the nature of whose value or interest to anybody I do not understand. As for myself, I am a collector of sea-shells. I live in the strong though ebbing hope of finding someday on a briefly uncovered sand-bar a right-handed Left-Handed Whelk; or even, someday, after propitious foul weather, of digging out of the beach under the jealous eyes of hundreds who dare not quite attack me and wrest it from me, a perfect Junonia. The very thought of the words "Conus gloria-maris, Hwass" fills me with an ecstasy of longing and despair. But the sight of the words "matchless copy of Hookes' Amanda, with both blank leaves G5 and H" leaves me unaffected. However, as I said, to this bibliography, and to its compiler and to its readers, I wish good fortune. As a maniac in one department, I salute the maniacs in another: may sweet Insanity forever charm our days."

-Edna St.Vincent Millay, foreword to A Bibliography of the Works of ESVM by Karl Yost

The Little Engine that Couldn't

If you know me at all, you're probably aware that I am fiercely competitive, and that I hate to be seen as weak. As much as I might try to believe that women can do anything men can, sometimes, it must be admitted that it's simply not true. Particularly if one is a moderately short woman.

This move has been an interesting experiment in being honest with myself and saying "Face it, Sam. You can't pick up that box and carry it to the car." I'll probably find some other physical activity with which to destroy my body, but I'm proud of myself for acknowledging my limitations. It still sucks that I can't just move everything myself, but what are you going to do? Sometimes it has to be all about the little victories, no?

Hobbies?

This weekend we went to a birthday tea party for a very cool friend of mine. We passed an enjoyable afternoon nibbling on pastries and drinking copious amounts of tea whilst chatting away with said friend and her (equally cool) friends. Now, when I call my friend "cool", I mean it. She's a special collections cataloger, she used to fence, she dabbles heavily in costumery, sewing, cooking, belly dancing...she does a lot. She always has some kind of project going. Her friends would seem to be equally inclined, and at some point in the conversation, we're asked "So, what do you do when you're not being librarians?" And suddenly, I feel intimidated. What are my hobbies??

Fencing, admittedly, can be a pretty all-encompassing hobby. But what do I do if I'm not fencing? Singing, too, can take up a lot of one's time, but I'm not doing that these days. What else? I like doing the crossword in the morning. I spend way too much time on the Internet. I like the usual reading, listening to music, and watching movies, but would I call any of those a hobby? Not particularly. I used to do cross-stitch when I was younger. I can sometimes be counted on to go to the gym regularly. I really like hanging out with my husband. Occasionally we go roller-blading.

So, let's say that, beyond fencing, I don't really have any hobbies. Seeing as I really only fence maybe once or twice a week, what on earth is it that I spend the rest of my time doing? I have no idea. I don't even watch that much television. Must be the Internet.

The natural progression here is to say "Well then, get yourself a hobby!" quickly followed by "What are you interested in? What would you like to do?"

...
...
...

No effing clue. If I look at myself hard in the mirror, I realize that I am not a particularly creative person. Sure, I've tried art and writing and dance, and I'm so-so at all of them, but if I try to think of something I'd actually like to do with my time, none of those jump out at me. Sewing, etc. seems cool sometimes, mostly because in the library world it seems a lot of people go in for that kind of thing. I've been there, done that on the music front, although I'd like to make an honest try of learning to play those tin whistles I've got lying around.

I find myself leaning toward the physical. I'd like to roller-blade more. I could always fence more. One of my best friends (another highly multi-faceted and hobby-laden individual) is now firmly ensconced in the world of roller derby, and man! that looks fun. Ballroom dancing looks interesting, although I think I require some form of outside motivation, and I'm not really sure competitive ballroom fits the bill for me. I'd like to take yoga or Pilates classes, too.

So, there's a few things I could come up with. The problem then becomes being disciplined enough to do them. Plus, with a lot of the physical pastimes, there's an issue of money. In order to do things right, you need teachers and coaches, and in the case of fencing equipment and tournaments (or at least I do - again, the competitive thing).

The ultimate question, then, is "Am I just being lazy?" Lots of hobbies cost money. Sewing costs money to buy materials, etc. My friends with lots of hobbies are no less busy and no more monied than I, yet they find the time and the means to do all the things they do. So what's my problem? Is there some fabulous hobby somewhere that I've not thought of that I should be tapping into? Or should I just become one of the television-happy masses?

Seriously, if anyone's paying attention, I'd love to hear suggestions. Seeing as I'm about to move across the country and spend the next 6 months without my husband or a computer at home, I might as well try some new stuff, no?

PS - In reading back over this post, I think that the issue of "motivation" is a big factor for me. I'd want to do something with my hobby, if you get my meaning. With fencing, I've traveled a fair bit and won a few medals here and there, and that seems to be enough, so it's not major motivation, but there does have to be some. Guess that's something to think about.

American Gangster

The dilemma: I love Russell Crowe. I hate gangster movies. What do I do?

Positive reviews all over the place, even in the LA Times! Russell gets bad press from E!Online gossip columnists who want to maintain his poopy-pants image! Oscar buzz is rampant! He does the press dance, adorably imitating his son Charlie on Leno! And the crowning insult: American Gangster is up against Bee Movie for the weekend box office crown. As much as I love Russell Crowe, I loathe Jerry Seinfeld.

...But I really don't like gangster movies. I actually kind of actively dislike gangster movies. It's not like "Eh, I'm not feelin' it", it's more "Ugh, power-lusting men with guns. Pass."

Stay tuned for the resolution. We really might have to go see it, if only to do my part to keep Seinfeld from taking the box office.

Sigh.

Out of the Deep End

I'm sure it's occurred to me before now, but I really thought about it last night: I haven't lived in that many different parts of the US, but I've traveled a fair bit, and this place easily has the most advertisements for cosmetic surgery ... and by "easily the most" I mean there are tons. Ugh.

Entertainment

This weekend we (along with my brother and a good friend) had the distinct pleasure of seeing the Royal Shakespeare Company's staging of King Lear, starring Ian McKellen.
While there are always things to be nit-picky about, staging or someone's delivery for example, overall I found the play absolutely riveting. We of course wanted to see Sir Ian onstage. The appearance of Sylvester McCoy, a former Dr. Who, as the Fool was also exciting. But really, it made me realize that it's been quite some time (indeed, I can't remember the last) since I've seen real, honest-to-god theatre. McKellen and the actor playing Edgar, in particular, were really quite phenomenal and disappeared into their characters. I felt so sorry for Lear.

It being Los Angeles, we had a pretty exciting celeb encounter: Tom Hanks, his wife Rita Wilson, and two of their sons (I think they have more) were in the audience for the Saturday matinee. As a testament to McKellen's acting, at some point my brother said "You know, it's pretty impressive, really. 'Cause, you know, (pointing) that's Tom Hanks over there, but (pointing to the stage) that is not really Ian McKellen, is it?"

Indeed.

ABC, are you watching?

That's Jonathan Papelbon, the Red Sox's scary-ass closer, celebrating their Division win. Supposedly he's quoted as saying "Next stop, Dancing with the Stars". Dude. DWTS needs a baseball player; they haven't had one yet. Plus, once you stop laughing, recognize that the boy can actually dance. And finally, look at him in his skivvies. Boy is ripped. He would look good in a tux, is all I'm sayin'.

Fascination

I really want to know about John Linnell's college career, but no-one seems to know anything. Alas.

Apocalypse?

Thought #1: I absolutely refuse to believe that Britney Spears might actually have semi-decent taste in literature.
Thought #2: Wait a minute. She can read?

Take that, LA Times!

This morning I finished my second Friday crossword ever. That sucker's hard. Soon I'll be graduating to the NY Times. Go me.

Double Standards

I've only been meaning to post about this for a couple of months now. Somehow, the time was never right, so I've just decided to go for it.

I would not describe myself as a feminist. For the most part, I think feminism, by the usual definition, goes overboard. I like to think of all people as equal, and I'd like to be treated as such. I think that, too often, special interest groups move past equality and get a little too wrapped up in the "special". So, whereas I am a reasonably liberated female member of the species, I try to treat everyone in the same manner, and I try to maintain a sense of humor about expressions in our society that others tend to see as sexist, racist, or whatever.

However. I do have a problem when it comes to the double standards that are rampant in our society with regards to things like gender/race relations. To wit, the treatment and expression of men in ways that, if applied to women, would most likely bring outcry and potential bodily harm to the expressor. For example: I have seen, in the past few months, the following two t-shirts on young ladies. One was on her way to class, the other was grocery shopping, with a male companion.

Exhibit A: He's Just an Accessory
Exhibit B: Boyfriends Make Good Pets

Whoa, dude. Seriously, if a man had on a shirt that said "Girlfriends Make Good Pets", he would be lynched. Let's not even consider the ramifications of what would happen if the subject of that fashion statement was somehow racially charged. And how is that fair? Maybe the normal male would not be offended by such a statement, but seriously, I'm kind of offended for him. I think it's vile to say anything about "making a good pet" about another human being. If you know me at all, you know how much I love my cats, but they still do not take the place of my husband or my family members. And the "accessory" statement goes even further, relegating a human being to the same importance as an inanimate object!

I guess the bottom line for me is that I'd be willing to bet that either of those young ladies would consider themselves reasonably liberated, at least in terms of having their own life, not being dependent on a male, planning or having a career of their own, etc. Maybe they even think that their choice of fashion statement is in some way liberated. But really, those statements are still a part of the problem. Yes, men and women are different. But we're all here on this earth and in this society together, and we do deserve to be treated equally, at least in terms of showing respect for a fellow human being. You know, as opposed to pets and accessories.

We can't be silent

They Might Be Giants played "She's an Angel" for me (just for me, unless you can prove otherwise) Friday night during their show at the House of Blues in Anaheim. A zillion thanks to Mr. Kasper for getting us off our butts and out to the show. It was totally awesome. Plus, I have an adorable new t-shirt! We like Hammurabi best, with his emo haircut...

Edit: Check the video!! The Mesopotamians

Shattered Youth

The book I'm reading right now is entitled The Story of Britain: from the Romans to the Present: A Narrative History. So far it's really cool. It's history, but it reads fairly well. Not too sleep-inducing. Anyway, last night I just got through King John, and I'll be moving on to the Plantagenet kings next. Of the chapters I read last night, it's the last two I want to talk about: Richard the Lionheart and John. I also want to talk about Disney.

Now then. I'm not going to pretend to be astonished to learn that the bulk of Disney movies/stories, particularly if based on actual historical events, are very much historically inaccurate. This does not come as a shock. Still. I have to admit to being a little bummed out last night, in reading about the sons of Henry II, to learn that my absolute favorite Disney classic, Robin Hood, is really quite a historical mess. There's very little mention of Robin Hood himself in The Story of Britain, which is fine. He is mentioned, however, in conjunction with Prince John, as a means of demonstrating the historical characterization of John as the snivelling, money-hungry, bad-guy younger brother of the fabulous Coeur de Lion. This is not to say that he was a saint. He wasn't that great a king, really. But here's the shocking part: neither was Richard. Let's look at this through the lens of Robin Hood, shall we?

First of all, I was interested to learn that the concept of an English sheriff originated from the Anglo-Saxon times, died out for a bit after the Norman invasion, and was re-instated (I think) by Henry II. Moving on, though. Robin Hood tells us that the noble and glorious King Richard is on Crusade and that evil Prince John has taken over the throne, where he delights in taxing the heart and soul out of the good people of Nottingham, correct? Peripherally, the implication is that the Queen Mother, Eleanor of Acquitaine, is not in the picture, and that John was a mama's boy. I always got the impression that Eleanor was already dead during the action of the cartoon. Ready for the "historically inaccurate" part? Here goes.

Richard was indeed on Crusade, but John did not "take over the throne". He was given jurisdiction (by Richard) over some parts of England and France. He did become King after Richard's death, but that's neither here nor there. Richard was on Crusade for a while, and then on the way home he was captured and held for ransom by European enemies. All that taxation? It was actually Richard who introduced exorbitant taxes during the period in order to pay for his Crusade. The taxation continued, egged on by Eleanor in order to pay Richard's ransom. Eleanor was not only still around, she actually outlived her son Richard. And while the book doesn't make any mention of John's relationship with his mother, there's quite a bit of history to tell us that John was his father's favorite to the point where Henry II actually tried to take lands and money away from his other sons to give to John. Being the youngest, John had no inheritance for himself.

The truth is that neither Richard nor John was the King their father was; they were just different. Richard was hardly ever IN England, being off on Crusade or worrying about his French lands and scrapping with the French king. John was actually very present and involved in his kingdom even at a local level, but he was greedy and a bit tyrannical a la the Disney version.

Again, it's not a revelation that a Disney cartoon, intended for kids, is not the way to learn one's history. I guess what struck me was just that this was my favorite Disney movie. I still watch it every couple of months. Prior to last night, it was pretty much everything I knew about that particular bit of British history. And as a kid, certainly, it never occurs to you that it's not accurate; I guess some things hold over into adulthood. Prince John was evil, King Richard was good, Robin Hood was a hero, and so on. Sure, it's just a movie, and a kid's one at that. As an adult, I do know that things are rarely so black-and-white, and that movies of a certain type are made to entertain rather than teach. I guess I'm just a little sad that one of my favorite parts of childhood has been clouded a bit by shades of grey, and that I will probably never look at it in quite the same way again.

Note to self:

The reason that college girl looks so effing tiny to you is that she is probably 18, which makes her 14 years younger than you, and not necessarily that she has a better body/is anorexic/eats healthfully/works out all day.

Revelation.

Rage

I just saw the following t-shirt on an obese individual at the grocery store:

This working out thing isn't working out.

Ha ha fucking ha.

A weekend, mostly fencing

(Xposted from LJ, but hey, it's better than nothing, n'est-ce pas?)

I have the sinusy-cold thing that's going around. How fun.

I fenced a women's epee tournament yesterday, and finally won my first direct elimination bout in California. I'm reading The Inner Game of Tennis, which was recommended to me by one of the coaches at my club. Well, yes, it's about tennis, but really it's about sports psychology through the medium of tennis; specifically the notion that we have two selves when engaging in most activities: a doer and a talker. The talker doesn't really know how to do anything and just spends a lot of time criticizing the doer. Hence, an inner game: learning to shut up the talker and be non-judgmental about what one is doing. The idea is that if you let your body (the doer, more or less) just do what you've trained it to do, it's going to work better. So moving from that, my goal yesterday was really just to stay relaxed, try not to focus so hard, and see what happened. Well, what happened was that I went 6-1 (lost to the eventual winner*) in my pool, seeded 4th out of pools thus earning a bye into the round of 16, annihilated a C07 in my first DE (15-4), and lost in the round of 8 to a tall, skinny B, 15-11, placing me ultimately in 5th place out of 26 women. I was actually really happy w/that last bout, too, because I was moving pretty well and correcting things as I went along. It was fencing. If I'd won that bout I would've updated my C, which would have been awfully nice, but I'm not complaining. It was a solid result. I can't say I was relaxed the whole time or that "the talker" was completely silent, but it showed some promise. Focusing on something other than the immediate task at hand would appear to have some merit.

Guess that's the update for me. Andrew is ridiculously busy with choral goings-on, and things are pretty good here. Looking forward to a visit to Bloomington this month, as well as the afore-mentioned King Lear, which Ben & Austin will make the trip out to see. Yay!!

Hope everyone has a good week. :)

*Eventual winner being 19, about 100 pounds, 5'10" or so, and apparently a member of the Swedish National Team. She smoked everybody yesterday, so I don't feel too terrible.

I'm a crappy blogger

I keep trying to come up with a gimmick, and nothing works. Perhaps I'm just not a gimmicky person. Oh well. Is there anybody who reads this thing, anyway?

Happy Birthday, W.B. Yeats

Turning and turning in the widening gyre
The falcon cannot hear the falconer;
Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold;
Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world,
The blood-dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere
The ceremony of innocence is drowned;
The best lack all conviction, while the worst
Are full of passionate intensity.
Surely some revelation is at hand;
Surely the Second Coming is at hand.
The Second Coming! Hardly are those words out
When a vast image out of Spritus Mundi
Troubles my sight: somewhere in the sands of the desert
A shape with lion body and the head of a man,
A gaze blank and pitiless as the sun,
Is moving its slow thighs, while all about it
Reel shadows of the indignant desert birds.
The darkness drops again; but now I know
That twenty centuries of stony sleep
were vexed to nightmare by a rocking cradle,
And what rough beast, its hour come round at last,
Slouches towards Bethlehem to be born?
~The Second Coming

Tiny Superhero!!

Who: Punto the Piranha.
Why: Because he arrived in my mailbox today.
No really, WHY?: Ok. So my husband has turned me into a Twins fan. And me being me, I don't normally go in for the big superstar players. So when Ozzie Guillen, coach of the White Sox, labeled some of the Twins players "Piranhas" last year (because they get in there, get little hits, get on base, steal bases, and just sort of pick at you) I was a fan. And then, as a promotion, the Twins created these little guys. And I just HAAAAD to have one. Now, thanks to eBay, I do! His name is Punto. Punto the Piranha. Named for my current favorite Twins player and the de facto "Head Piranha" himself, #8, third base, Nick Punto.

Isn't he the cutest thing you've ever seen?!

I need a hero!

Who: Donald Faison.
Why:


Honorable mention to The Fug Girls, who posted this link, and really, are my heroes every day.

Today's hero(ine)

Who: Sarah Silverman.
Why: Do you even need to ask? For slamming Paris Hilton (I mean slamming) at the VMAs last night. With Paris in the audience. I'm not going to post it, but the video is everywhere (TheSuperficial, TMZ, etc.), and you might want to turn the sound down if you're in a more public area. Honorable mention goes to the audience at the VMAs, who practically went into a standing ovation when Silverman said "Tomorrow, Paris Hilton is going to jail." Woo, indeed.

Perhaps someday we'll have enough sense to stop caring about what these people do. Or just throw 'em in a cell with all the other inmates as opposed to giving them special treatment because they've got lots of money. Bastards.

Hero of the Day™

Who: Dog Davis.
Why: Because he wrote this article, in which he has the following to say about new Diet Coke Plus-

"There are now six types of Diet Coke; seven if you include Coca-Cola Zero. The latest is Diet Coke Plus. Plus what? Vitamins and minerals, of course. Each 12-ounce can contains small amounts of vitamins B6 and B12, as well as niacin, magnesium and zinc. It has a funky aftertaste, but that's not really the point. How messed up are you if you're drinking a caffeinated, artificially sweetened, flavored soda for its nutritional value? 'Man, this tastes funny, but at least I'm getting 15% of my daily allowance of zinc!' You want vitamins and minerals in your drink? Go to Jamba Juice."

Awesome.

Hero of the Day™

Everyone needs a hero, right? I have often had a "Hero of the Day": someone who just makes my day a little brighter in some way. It could be someone I actually know, someone in the news, a group, a fictional character...whoever! So it occurs to me that this could be an amusing thing to blog. I am inspired (appropriately enough) by my very first Hero of the Day™.

Who: Steven Van Dahm
Why: Steve is a friend of my husband's. He runs a great forum for their group of college friends, on which they discuss ... well, mostly video games, but internet weirdness, current events, music, any and all manner of subjects. Anyway, a recent topic of discussion revolved around the fact that Steve looks a bit (I largely disagree) like Ethan Suplee. Now, my favorite Ethan Suplee moment is when he gets totally pwned by the kids in Mallrats, and so my addition to the discussion was about how I'd love to hear Steve deliver that particular line.

Well, he obliged. And that makes him the very first officially blogged Hero of the Day™.

Book babbling

I promise I'll babble about books some more, really really soon:

Song of Solomon, Twilight/New Moon.

Edit:

I lied. It's been too long, and frankly, Song of Solomon just didn't impress me that much. As for Twilight and New Moon, all I can say is that if you are female and enjoy YA fantasy, GO READ THEM NOW. The third installment comes out on August 7th, which just so happens to be the day before my birthday.

Now, I did just finish Steppenwolf, and so I can probably say a few things about that.

1. Siddhartha is better.
2. The titular Steppenwolf may have been a learned man, but ultimately, I don't think he got it.
3. It's interesting that, as dated in some ways as the novel is, it's still pretty resonant. There are still those of us who consider ourselves intellectual and therefore outside of the mundane (bourgeois to Mr. Hesse), and there's a lot we could learn from Harry Haller.
4. Good book. Not as beautifully poetic as Siddhartha, and much more earthly bound. Still, I'd recommend it. Pay attention to the introduction; it's important.

I am on to Shakespeare (A Winter's Tale, I can't wait) and Jane Austen's minor works, as soon as they come in at the library. Plus I'll need to re-read HBP and The Golden Compass at some point. I gave up on some heavily literary-referential sci-fi jaunt called Hyperion. I gave it a honest, Nancy Pearl-worthy try, but it was just too much for me. If you want theology + sci-fi, go read Mary Doria Russell instead.

WaH

Hey. Wanna read me whine? Oh, c'mon, you know you do.

I don't feel good.
I am bored with my life.
I hate my job.
I don't want to be a grownup.
I feel like my friends have all forgotten me. They never email, hardly ever message, unless they want something, of course.

I suppose I could be all verbose about this shit, but I don't really feel up to it right now, and since it's just me whining, what's the point anyway?

There now. Wasn't that fun?

No wait, I'll elaborate one some counts, lest you think me a selfish child. My friends are busy. I know that. School is ending, and most of them are probably pulling their hair out right now. And I guess, really, if I didn't have friends who were smart and good in school, I'd be somebody different. I'd rather have the smart friends. It's just that some of them still find time to log onto networking sites and blog and do things online, and it's after a few weeks that I feel ignored. I wrote a friend recently and said something along the lines of "You know, I think people could send me an empty envelope in the mail, and I would still feel loved based on the fact that they took the time to write my name and put a stamp on and put it in the mailbox."

I feel compelled to point out that the friend I wrote that to has not yet responded. Shocking, I know.

So I'm only slightly selfish. I know they're busy. I just don't think anyone understands how truly emotionally high-maintenance I am. And you know, I tend to think that I do a lot for my friends. I go out of my way to be there for them. I only ask for a little of that back, but I feel like I don't even get that much, most of the time.

Or maybe I'm just a jerk.

Now, are you sure you wanted me to elaborate?

How to Read Literature Like a Professor, Thomas C. Foster

From Amazon.com (unspecified otherwise)
In this practical and amusing guide to literature, Thomas C. Foster shows how easy and gratifying it is to unlock those hidden truths, and to discover a world where a road leads to a quest; a shared meal may signify a communion; and rain, whether cleansing or destructive, is never just rain. Ranging from major themes to literary models, narrative devices, and form, How to Read Literature Like a Professor is the perfect companion for making your reading experience more enriching, satisfying, and fun.

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Plus, he provides me with an awesome reading list! This book was recommended by my friend Lindsay, and was much enjoyed. The language is what really makes it great: one definitely gets the feeling that one is sitting in on a favorite kooky professor's lecture. Thought-provoking, too...I caught myself thinking back on past reads in attempts to decipher things I'd missed the first time. I actually ended up buying a copy of this, as I feel that it'll be more useful in the long run in terms of learning to read more sensitively. Still, it's a fun read, and if you enjoy reading literature I'd suggest it. And man, there's that reading list. He mentions a lot of stuff I've meant to read but never got 'round to, plus a few things I wouldn't ordinarily have considered, but that sound reasonably interesting. As a matter of fact, I've already gone through Toni Morrison's Song of Solomon, which he raves about, and am currently chewing through T.S. Eliot and Joyce's Dubliners. So, stay tuned for those. Reading is fun, kids!

Hey.

I love you.

Go tell somebody else.

To continue: I'm becoming mildly obsessed with the news stories from Va Tech. On IU Fencing's Facebook group, we've discussed their fencers. Their website says that they're all ok, I guess as far as the webmaster knows. I don't really know any of them, but they were at College Nationals this year and last, so I thought of them quickly. I think about all the friends I have in college. I think about the fact that I and my husband work on a college campus... many, many people I know are somehow affiliated with colleges. Morbid, yes. But really, how can you help thinking about it when these things happen? I think that if this happened at IU or at Southern, I would just get on a plane and go. There would simply be no way that I could deal with the situation until I was there and could see my friends with my own eyes.

I read an article today that was discussing why people do things like this. It's not new; the article seemed to state the reasons why were different, though, based on the demands of society today. I think about anyone I know that's ever been termed a "loner", myself included. Could I ever do something like that? No. It makes me want to walk up to anyone sitting alone or looking sad and say "Hey. How are you today? Do you need to talk?"

I dunno. I think all we can do is love each other as much as possible. It's hard to say what else really matters.

Ender's Game, Orson Scott Card

From The New York Times Book Review, Gerald Jonas
. . . an affecting novel full of surprises that seem inevitable once they are explained. The key, of course, is Ender Wiggin himself. Mr. Card never makes the mistake of patronizing or sentimentalizing his hero. Alternately likable and insufferable, his is a convincing little Napoleon in short pants.

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No, Mr. Card certainly never patronizes or sentimentalizes Ender. And that's what makes the book so weird. As a sci-fi novel, it's perfectly cool; the dialogue is what you'd expect, the writing is so-so, the imaginative qualities are excellent, but the main characters are little kids. Preternaturally brilliant little kids, grant you, but kids just the same. And honestly, it's hard to remember that. So it gives the book a rather unusual dynamic. Beyond that, though, it's a pretty good read. The descriptions of all the War Games sound awfully fun...can't wait for anti-grav laser tag. On the more literary side, though, Card actually does an admirable job of probing the inner workings of humanity. Surrounding the brilliant little boy is a big problem ... that's been dealt with in a tragically thoughtless fashion. I greatly enjoyed (well, sort of) Ender's struggles within himself to reconcile the part of him that is "human" with the part of him that is "monster". (Working hard for no spoilers, here.) The climax (as opposed to the ending) is sad on multiple levels, most of which have to do with humanity's stupidity. Actually, I suppose that "stupidity" could also be interpreted as "survival instinct," in which case it's hard to place blame in such a fashion.

...In thinking about it, I have an argument for it merely being stupidity. But to post that here would be necessarily spoiler-rich, so I won't.

Again, I'll recommend, but more for the sci-fi lover than for anyone with general literary interests. Science fiction writers so seldom have a way with the language. It's not so ridiculously sci-fi as to be utterly avoided if you've an aversion to such things, however. Somewhere in between Stranger in a Strange Land and Snowcrash on the geek scale, I'd say.

The Handmaid's Tale, Margaret Atwood

From Library Journal
In a startling departure from her previous novels ( Lady Oracle , Surfacing ), respected Canadian poet and novelist Atwood presents here a fable of the near future. In the Republic of Gilead, formerly the United States, far-right Schlafly/Falwell-type ideals have been carried to extremes in the monotheocratic government. The resulting society is a feminist's nightmare: women are strictly controlled, unable to have jobs or money and assigned to various classes: the chaste, childless Wives; the housekeeping Marthas; and the reproductive Handmaids, who turn their offspring over to the "morally fit" Wives. The tale is told by Offred (read: "of Fred"), a Handmaid who recalls the past and tells how the chilling society came to be. This powerful, memorable novel is highly recommended for most libraries. BOMC featured alternate. Ann H. Fisher, Radford P.L., Va.

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Fascinating and scary in the the Huxley/Orwell-ian sense. Fundamentalists have taken over. Women cannot hold jobs, and are forbidden to read. The narrator is the titular handmaid, government-issued to the older scions in the community and then forced to produce children in order to maintain her position. It's sad and frightening in that this woman remembers her life before, where she had a job and a husband and a child ... all of which taken away from her. The language is very simple and direct, yet still narrative. I enjoyed noticing the multiple references and metaphors for parts of the body. The entirety of society is in some way sexually repressed ... even the men are not really supposed to enjoy the act of intercourse. There's also a lot of reference to color; women's roles in the society are color-coded. "Marthas" are green, Wives are blue (Virgin Mary reference, perhaps?), and Handmaids are red. The narrator's sense of the importance of color is striking in a world that attempts to remove much of what is enjoyable and aesthetic from society.

Ultimately, though, Atwood makes a bit of a departure from Orwell's 1984 and Huxley's Brave New World in that this fundamentalist society is a sham. Even the heads of the community secretly acknowledge that there is still a desire, or perhaps a "need" for what they call depravity. The Wives and the Marthas typically despise the Handmaids, yet there are still times where all three classes join together in breaking the rules - a moment of sisterly solidarity. There is, of course, an underground movement of questionable authenticity as well.

I recommend this. The language finds the balance between artistic and prosaic. Plus, as with any of these "watch out for the future" type things, there are warnings and messages to be had. Perhaps in the final count, Atwood wants us to simply be grateful for the freedoms that we have.

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Sadly, I had to leave this, and now coming back to it I am not positive I managed to remember what else I wanted to say. This whole "book report" thing is going to be an experiment in reading/processing sensitively. I'm probably going to be reading a fair amount of literary criticism in the near future in order to aid me in that goal. Stay tuned for Ender's Game, and perhaps the long-promised comparison of Will in the World and Shakespeare by Another Name. Don't expect anything great from that one, though. I procrastinate too often; it's been a while now since I finished them.

Books?

I suppose, if all else fails, I could use this space to write about the books I read. With that in mind, I'll see if I can't come up with something shortly for the following:
1. The Handmaid's Tale, Atwood
2. Ender's Game, Card

Sick and tired?

I'm sick. Standard throat/sinus junkiness. Makes me feel groggy all the time. Won't be singing tonight. Fun and games.

Beyond the sick, I'm just having general feelings of blah-ness, and I'm trying to figure out where those are coming from.

My husband says that I'm very self-aware. I'd like to think so. I realize that everyone has baggage, and maybe I have more than most. I'm curiously anti-therapy, though. And so my self-awareness stems from a desire to work out my own problems. Biggest problem? Same as anyone: self-esteem. We've all got our ebb and flow. What I'm noticing lately, though, is that being (theoretically) on the cusp of things leaves me in some sort of gray zone where it's just ... kind of like the sinus thing, really. I don't feel bad, per se, but I just don't feel quite like me. Something's slightly off; my equilibrium is just the tiniest bit askew. So why am I off-balance, despite the appearance of being headed for some breakthroughs?

Job first. It has its ups and downs. Some things I like, some I don't. Changes are ahead though: I'm waiting to hear the results of an interview. I'm waiting to be scheduled for another one. And, I'm waiting to get started on adding some things to my current position which will help me move forward. So, things are on the horizon. Maybe it's the waiting, though...the notion of doing more or being more makes what I'm doing (or not, as the case may be) now that much more of an uncomfortable fit. Plus there's always the idea that all these other plans may fall through. Part of this, as well, stems from my looking at colleagues from graduate school and feeling as though they've succeeded that much faster than I have. I have, as my brother once called it, a "persecution complex," where I feel as though I'm somehow being singled out (by the universe?) in some way: missing out on job opportunities, losing touch with people (I think that it's something personal), or whatever. I take many things personally, I guess. Paranoia. Anxiety. Thanks, Mom!

So. What else? Well, I didn't make a New Years' Resolution to lose weight or get in shape or anything, but I simply took the opportunity to make the attempt to start good habits. And I've done pretty well. I go to the gym and do cardio at least twice a week. I do an upper- or lower-body weight routine at least 3 times a week. Ab routine 3 or 4 times. Plus I'm fencing again. So, once again, it can be assumed that better things are on the horizon. I can already see a difference in some things...I look a bit thinner, my arms are a bit more solid, etc. I'm working really hard on being patient, instead of doing the whole "Damn it, I've worked out for a week, why don't I look like a swimsuit model already?" thing. So maybe that patience is wearing a little thin, is all.

Maybe I'm just in a gloomy mood. I can't really pinpoint anything exactly that's got me down. I'm just down. I've rambled. At least "Ramblings" is the title of this blog, so I don't feel that I've misrepresented myself. I don't know if I had a point to make...I think I just wanted to get some of that stuff out. Perhaps if I think of a point later, I'll make it.

Don't Wanna

Some days I'm ok with getting older. Today, I just don't want to. Today I am wearing a suit. Wearing it poorly, I think. I got a haircut that I don't like that makes me look like Ramona Quimby. I feel like a little kid playing dress-up. Not just superficially, either. I go to work and I feel like I'm fooling people into believing that I know something about libraries and books and all. I mean, I have a diploma, but I feel so green sometimes. I feel that the only thing separating me from the student workers is the fact that I don't wear jeans every day. And honestly, sometimes I feel as though they're more knowledgeable, capable, and valued than I am. They know what's going on. My boss knows what's going on, too, but he doesn't often tell me. Why do they need me? I'm part-time and when I'm not there, a student does my job. I honestly don't know how to differentiate myself from that. The person who had this job before me was the first one to have the job at all, and he did the bare minimum, and students cover the desk when I'm not here, so it seems as though things were just fine without me here. I don't know how to make a mark.

I want to be a student again. I want to shuffle to class in jeans, flip flops, and my cut-off sweatshirt. I want to read Shakespeare and soak in what professors tell me. I want them to ask me questions so that I can think of things I've never thought of before. I don't know how to do it by myself. I don't want to worry about my vacation time, insurance, and what needs to be done. Let me be 20 again. Let me have my 20 self back. I promise I'll take better care of her this time. I won't eat such crap. I'll go to the dentist. Let me be beautiful and silly and thoughtless and carefree. Is it any surprise that I didn't value it when it was mine?

You know, I've spent a lot of time telling my younger friends that my apparent confidence and self-awareness is an act. I really believe that to be true. But sometimes, I feel like such a bad actor. The person that truly needs to be convinced is me, and I don't buy it; not for a second.

I'm whining. Maybe I'll feel better tomorrow. For today, though, I want to go home and read and eat junk food and not care about any of it. I think I lost my innocence the second I started caring.

When did I become old?

Contrition

Reasonably often in my life, I look back at past relationships, and I am sorry for how I behaved. Not only romantic relationships, although I admit that generally those are the ones I look back on. As I grow older, I put a lot of effort into understanding myself: how I do things, why I do things, what I think about things, etc. In doing so, it's amazing how often I realize what must've been the motivation behind past behaviors; sometimes not only my own, but those of the other person as well. For the most part it's a pretty great thing. I'm proud of the things I've been able to come to terms with, and I'm glad that I understand my baggage. My hope is to keep perspective in order to better advise others, should I ever have the opportunity. Plus any breakthrough I have keeps me one step ahead of going into therapy. I'd like to see how far I can get without professional help.

The interesting part of all this is that when I have these revelations, I find myself wanting to contact the other person in question, and tell them all the things I realized. I want to apologize and explain my actions to them. I want them to know that I understand it now, and that I'm sorry they had to put up with whatever they put up with. Or didn't, I suppose. The existence of the Internet makes this a particularly interesting proposition, given that I am actually in contact with a fairly large percentage of people from my past through things like email and Myspace. If I want to, I can message them with my apologies. The question, though, is whether or not I should. I guess I wonder what their reaction will be. Maybe they've forgotten all about it. Maybe they really just don't care anymore. Maybe they'll say thank you. Maybe they'll come away with realizations of their own. What would you do if some person from your past suddenly contacted you and said "Man, you know, I was thinking about it, and I realize that I was pretty crazy some of the time. Sorry about that. Thanks for putting up with it"? What would you think? That this person wants to be a part of your life again? That they're still a wacko? The truth of the matter is that I still care about anyone I ever cared about, and I want them to know it. I want them to know that I'm sorry for anything I did that was upsetting or confusing or hurtful. I don't hurt people conciously. Thanks to marriage, I've come to realize that sometimes I do say things that are below the belt; that some part of me knows will hit where it hurts...but I realize after the fact, and I feel horrible for doing it. And I'm going to try my damndest not to do it in the future.

I had a dream last night about some old friends. They're not long-lost, particularly, but we haven't been in contact for several months, either. I was involved with one of them for a little while, and it was a strange situation. In the dream we were just trying to communicate and we were failing. And then I woke up, and suddenly realized, in part, what our problem had been all along. More than that, I realized that it was still a problem for him, and has probably held him back from many things in life. Should I tell him these things? Would it serve its purpose?

There's another old flame floating around. My relationship with him has been a sounding board for me as adult: something I've held up in order to examine my behavior, or sometimes something that I look at through the lens of other realizations. I've learned a lot about my behavior in relationships, period...there are, of course, many common threads. With him, though, his reactions tell me so much about how I affected other people. And I'm just so sorry about it. It's not that I want to go back, or that I carry a torch...he's married, so am I. I'm happy with the here and now. I just would like to tell him why I was the way I was, and that I'm sorry it was problematic for us. But I think he'd just think I was nuts.

Is it simply too late for me to be contrite?

Meditation -- on.

I've been interested in the concept of meditation for years. I've never managed to get really into it thus far because I don't think I'm the type of person who can do such things by themselves. I have zero focus, really, unless someone is standing there, asking it of me. I learn best in a classroom, essentially.

Along the same lines as meditation, I've recently been working at "clearing my mind." I often find my mind racing from one subject to the next, and sometimes it's just really obnoxious. So my question is, how does one clear the mind? What is a clear mind like? It seems as though the entire concept would, at some point, fall back on itself. If you're focused on clearing your mind, aren't you still going to be thinking of something; namely, whether or not your mind is clear?

Am I merely misunderstanding the concept of a clear mind? I have to admit that sometimes I think I catch it, if only for an instant. This morning, for example, on my way to work, I tried to think of nothing but my breath, coming in for four steps, going out for four. And for a few minutes, that felt pretty great, and I wasn't really thinking about anything else. Is that the clear-mindedness aspired to by yoga practitioners?

I suppose that the point of it is that it is something to be practiced and I should just keep at it. I am mostly unsure of whether or not I'm doing it right. Perhaps it's all just ridiculous. Life being but a dream, and all.

On that subject:

A boat, beneath a sunny sky
Lingering onward dreamily
In an evening of July--

Children three that nestle near,
Eager eye and willing ear,
Pleased a simple tale to hear--

Long has paled that sunny sky;
Echoes fade and memories die;
Autumn frosts have slain July.

Still she haunts me, phantomwise,
Alice moving under skies
Never seen by waking eyes.

Children yet, the tale to hear,
Eager eye and willing ear,
Lovingly shall nestle near.

In a Wonderland they lie,
Dreaming as the days go by,
Dreaming as the summers die;

Ever drifting down the stream--
Lingering in the golden gleam--
Life, what is it but a dream?

--Lewis Carroll