I'm sick. Standard throat/sinus junkiness. Makes me feel groggy all the time. Won't be singing tonight. Fun and games.
Beyond the sick, I'm just having general feelings of blah-ness, and I'm trying to figure out where those are coming from.
My husband says that I'm very self-aware. I'd like to think so. I realize that everyone has baggage, and maybe I have more than most. I'm curiously anti-therapy, though. And so my self-awareness stems from a desire to work out my own problems. Biggest problem? Same as anyone: self-esteem. We've all got our ebb and flow. What I'm noticing lately, though, is that being (theoretically) on the cusp of things leaves me in some sort of gray zone where it's just ... kind of like the sinus thing, really. I don't feel bad, per se, but I just don't feel quite like me. Something's slightly off; my equilibrium is just the tiniest bit askew. So why am I off-balance, despite the appearance of being headed for some breakthroughs?
Job first. It has its ups and downs. Some things I like, some I don't. Changes are ahead though: I'm waiting to hear the results of an interview. I'm waiting to be scheduled for another one. And, I'm waiting to get started on adding some things to my current position which will help me move forward. So, things are on the horizon. Maybe it's the waiting, though...the notion of doing more or being more makes what I'm doing (or not, as the case may be) now that much more of an uncomfortable fit. Plus there's always the idea that all these other plans may fall through. Part of this, as well, stems from my looking at colleagues from graduate school and feeling as though they've succeeded that much faster than I have. I have, as my brother once called it, a "persecution complex," where I feel as though I'm somehow being singled out (by the universe?) in some way: missing out on job opportunities, losing touch with people (I think that it's something personal), or whatever. I take many things personally, I guess. Paranoia. Anxiety. Thanks, Mom!
So. What else? Well, I didn't make a New Years' Resolution to lose weight or get in shape or anything, but I simply took the opportunity to make the attempt to start good habits. And I've done pretty well. I go to the gym and do cardio at least twice a week. I do an upper- or lower-body weight routine at least 3 times a week. Ab routine 3 or 4 times. Plus I'm fencing again. So, once again, it can be assumed that better things are on the horizon. I can already see a difference in some things...I look a bit thinner, my arms are a bit more solid, etc. I'm working really hard on being patient, instead of doing the whole "Damn it, I've worked out for a week, why don't I look like a swimsuit model already?" thing. So maybe that patience is wearing a little thin, is all.
Maybe I'm just in a gloomy mood. I can't really pinpoint anything exactly that's got me down. I'm just down. I've rambled. At least "Ramblings" is the title of this blog, so I don't feel that I've misrepresented myself. I don't know if I had a point to make...I think I just wanted to get some of that stuff out. Perhaps if I think of a point later, I'll make it.
