Probably best deleted, but who's reading anyway?

Last week I tried to take a mental break. Ran without gadgets a couple of times, ran a reasonably relaxed 9 miler on Sunday. It felt good. Brought back a bit of the enjoyment of running.

I've been trying to take a step back in almost everything: relax, relent, let go. I somehow turn around and find my life tightly controlled: workout regimens (such as they are), consumption, scheduling...I worry a lot about habits. The truth is that I have pretty healthy habits, for the most part, but I'm always trying to fit in a new one, get better at something, so on and so forth. Turns out that level of obsessing about one's life is kind of exhausting. I thought I was being mindful, but there's got to be a happy medium of mindfulness. Put another way, "mindfulness" surely means observance and allowance more than trying to cram the self into a neat little compartment.

Life is certainly a series of steps forward and back. Two days ago, I felt fine about whatever-it-was (pick a subject). I could look at myself and say "This is me. Work in progress, but not so bad." I encounter something to make me second-guess that confidence, and I'm back to attempting to shove the round peg (me) into the square hole of perfection.

Ok, that all got way too sloppy and metaphorical. I am tired and grumpy that my television reception interrupted my planned entertainment of snooty British Ichabod Crane and his creepy adventures. Also, today was a rest day. I'm always wonky on rest days. I shall finish cleaning up and get ready for bed. Run AND yoga tomorrow!

Race recap?

On Sunday I ran the Women Run the Cities 10 miler. I have several friends who run it often (although they didn't this year), and have heard great things about it, so I decided to sign up. Additionally, the 10 miles fits pretty neatly into a half-marathon training schedule for the Monster Dash in late October, so it's all quite tidy. The race is a women-only event, which was kind of different, and while I've run a half before, it's my first time racing with this particular distance.

My training runs so far have spanned from truly awful to decent, so I had a LOT of anxiety going into this race. Most of my running this year has felt like a struggle, what with foot issues and shin issues; beyond that, it all just feels a lot harder for some reason.  For another thing, I've come to realize that running in the summer kind of sucks. You're slow and it's hot and you feel awful, but the trade-off is generally that once the fall weather hits, you're speeding right along. Well, "speeding." It's all relative.

So, I ran with a friend, and I am really grateful to her for being supportive and cheerful during the race. We got there early to pick up race packets and drop off bags, and stuff, and it was nice to be able to have time to do that stuff without getting stressed about it. We discovered that there were pace leaders, which made me really happy. I generally have no clue when it comes to pacing, so having help in staying consistent is awesome. While the race was well-attended, it was not as crowded as some, and everyone spread out really quickly after the start, which was nice. My friend and I actually settled into a pace probably about 15 seconds ahead of the group we'd selected (10:30), which felt really good to start out with. It was pretty chilly, but the weather was GORGEOUS, and I ended up taking off my long-sleeved shirt after a couple of miles.

My feet started their weird hurting thing a little earlier than usual, somewhere between miles 3 and 4. Despite that, I was feeling really great until mile 6 or so, and then...I just got so TIRED. Not physically tired (although obviously that too) but more mentally tired. My brain was just not into it. It was a strange feeling. My body would say "Not having fun. Please desist this activity." and I would say "But why? My feet hurt, but that's not that bad. Legs are a little sore but nothing major. Breathing could be easier, but so what?" Overall, it really felt as though I felt fine? but I just didn't want to be running anymore. It became SO HARD to keep going, even as we came closer to the end. Once we hit mile 7, we're all thinking "Alright! A 5k. I can run one of those!" and at mile 8, I thought "2 miles. I do this every day, almost." My friend, who was running a good race, wanted to speed up a bit toward the end, and she made me promise to keep running, which I did. Once I could see the finish, I even did my usual sprint for a strong finish, and that felt pretty great. There's finish line video, and I definitely don't look like someone struggling to make it.

Ultimately, I finished right where I'd wanted to. Considering I certainly slowed down a good bit in the latter half of the race, that's pretty awesome. So why am I so unhappy with this? I really can't work it out. The race, or at least the second half of it, was SO HARD. I've been running for three years at this point. Not a grizzled veteran, certainly, but not a newbie either. I ran my first half-marathon last fall at about the same pace, and had a lot of foot issues, etc. leading up to it that actually sidelined me for the week and a half prior to the race. I felt awesome for those entire 13.1 miles. Usual soreness and stuff, but I just felt great: strong and swift and like I had it the whole time. So why were these 10 miles so difficult?

Basically, I've encountered some form of negativity that I can't account for. During the long winter, I was working out (strength training) really regularly and doing a pretty usual week of running on the treadmill. Once better weather hit, I ran (haha) into some problems transitioning from indoor running back to outside which resulted in my taking a few weeks off, and I have just not come back from that the way I'd like. When I started my job in the middle of the summer, the strength training dropped off, although I'm trying to still get in some yoga. I honestly believe I am in better shape currently than I have been at any point previously. So why am I struggling through these runs? I came into this race feeling unprepared. WHY? I've been doing a pretty impressive job of getting up early and getting in 2 miles three or 4 times a week, and even started doing one interval run per week. I hit all of the long run mileage that I should have.

THIS IS ALL IN MY HEAD, but I don't know what it is or how to get rid of it. This morning was my first run post-race, and I went out just to run. I made a mental note of the time, but I left my phone at home, no Runkeeper or anything. It felt nice. I ran three miles comparable to what I've been doing. I was happy to get out and do it. I'm hoping that venting a little will help me get over whatever this issue is. It's really frustrating and confusing, and it makes me dread the next long run. I don't even want to think about a half marathon right now. On the other hand, I still feel much better when I've gotten my runs in, and even the day after the race, I saw someone running and thought "Man, rest days are lame." I feel pretty certain that this is a speed bump and I will get over it, but it is just rough.

Oh, the humanity

These days, I normally ride the bus to and from work. It's a pretty fascinating experience, in terms of people-watching and getting a feel for one's fellow human beings. This might sound weird, but I've become somewhat attached to the "regulars" on my morning bus (afternoon ride is much more variable): I notice if they're not there, I've observed patterns in their behavior, and so on. It's fun to try to suss out where they're going or what kind of job they have. I'll think, "Oh, that gentleman's carrying a suitcase today," and then when he's not on the bus the next day, I'll figure he went out of town on business, or something.

Naturally, one can witness a lot of negative behavior on the bus. People shout into their cell phones, pick fights with the bus driver, and, my personal favorite, feed crappy food to their kids. But I've been surprised to realize that this kind of stuff (okay, minus the crappy food thing) is actually kind of rare. Even more shocking, perhaps, I've witnessed far more instances of human kindness and helpfulness in the past two months than otherwise. Some of it's small stuff. You know, things like automatically clearing the way for someone whose stop is coming up, or if someone with a stroller or  wheelchair is getting on the bus. Most of us will rummage through our wallet when someone asks for change. But I've also seen total strangers out-and-out pay for fares and help unload strollers. It's pretty heart-warming, to be honest. Makes you feel like you're in one of those pay-it-forward commercials.

I figure now that I've posted this, my bus home will be full of jerks.

In other news, the fall weather trend is definitely digging in. 48 degrees on the sign opposite my bus stop this morning. I'm running Women Run the Cities, a 10 mile race this weekend, and I have to say that the promise of good weather (high of 70 for Sunday?) makes me a little more pumped to get out there. I felt pretty good about my 7 miler last week, and this week I'm just trying to relax and enjoy running. It's been a weird year, running-wise, and I'm a little anxious about how these big races are going to go. Hopefully I'll be able to run well and have a good time.

Per my weekend resolutions, we did watch a movie (To Kill a Mockingbird, which frankly, is kind of boring) and I did manage to start Great Expectations. I haven't read it in several years, and in the interim I've read a lot of Dickens' other work and I'm struck by how different the narrative is. His writing is always beautifully descriptive, but in GE it's so pared down. There are no extra words (at least not so far) and yet the comparisons and visuals are amazingly striking. I know it's cliche, but I really think Dickens was a genius.

Work day's almost over. Let's see if I can maintain motivation past dinner, and get my butt out to yoga. Wish me luck!

Welcome, fall?

*Not a current picture.

We slept with the window open last night! And I put on a coat this morning. But I didn't go out for a run. I'm not sure why. I think that I am reconsidering my attempts to run 5 days a week. It just exhausts me, and my body doesn't seem to like it very much. Additionally, last year toward the end of my training for my first half-marathon, I just started dealing with all kinds of aches and pains and perceived injuries...I think my body has a special way of exhibiting nervousness, if that makes any sense? This year I am not concerned with my ability to run these distances, so I'm trying not to stress too much about it. In other exercise news for the week, I have managed to do my brief 15-20 minutes of yoga a couple of nights, which I'm excited about. Perhaps next week, with fewer social engagements, I'll do an even better job!

Anyway, fall? It's actually supposed to warm up again in the next week as far as I know, but today the high is supposed to only be 70, and it definitely feels like September out there. We had such a long, brutal winter (snow in May), and then pretty much no spring to speak of before we jumped right into a reasonably mild summer, so there's a part of me that's not entirely ready for fall. Still, I think it might be my favorite season these days. There's something exciting in the air, and I love cozy clothes and cozy foods (think hot tea, soup and grilled cheese...). Plus I run better in the fall. I hope it remains nice enough for us to go to playgrounds and parks and do some more grilling before it gets cold. I know that spring is the time of beginnings, but I've always thought of fall that way. I guess it's because you start school in the fall: new relationships, new experiences and adventures...by the time spring rolls around, all of that is old hat. We got married in the fall (8 year anniversary in a month!). We prepared for the birth of our daughter, who was born in early December, during the fall. And so on.

Speaking of grilling, tonight we are going to have apple-glazed pork chops and grilled corn. Can you say excited? Part of the pork chop dish involves actually grilling some apples, which will be a new experience, and a colleague of my husband's gave us some homemade applesauce that we're going to use for the glaze. I often try to plan something a bit more fun/exciting/tasty for Friday nights: weekends are for fun food! Other plans this weekend include a 7 miler (I'm tapering a little for the 10 mile race I'm running NEXT WEEKEND), a Mexican Independence Day celebration with some friends, and maybe a yoga class. Should be a nice, not-too-busy weekend. I'm also determined to watch some movies, since we just haven't been much in the mood lately, and to get started on Great Expectations.

Not much else to report. The weather is kind of the most exciting thing right now. I hope it's like this next weekend for Women Run the Cities!

Productive!

I am impressed with myself today.

1. I got up and ran 2 miles. Normally I take Mondays off, since I do my long runs on Sunday, but I often feel like that rest day leaves me tired and stiff. I believe the term is "active recovery." I definitely felt sore, but that went away by the end of the run.
2. I have been super-productive at work. I left on Friday feeling overwhelmed with the amount of things that had suddenly shown up in my cube, needing attention, but once I settled in and made my way through them, the day flew by and I finished everything. 

I guess that's it, but hey. It's hard to get going on Mondays. We had a nice, relaxing, family weekend. Ate some good food, had some fun. We have some social outings planned this week that I'm looking forward to, but I'm also hoping to stick with a routine. Incidentally, I started this post on Monday, but it's Tuesday now. I can add a number 3 to my list of reasons to be impressed with myself: I did 15 minutes of yoga last night after the little girl went to bed! I was SUPER stiff, and I definitely want to get into a daily habit, even if it is just for 15 minutes or so.

This morning I dragged myself up to run. My ankle was bugging me after Sunday's 8 miler, so this morning I thought I'd be smart and wrap it. Sadly, I wrapped it too tight, so it became painful after a little while. I ended up just running a mile (can't stop and re-wrap an ankle in the dark), which disappoints me a little, but what can you do? Ankle feels a lot better today so I'll skip the wrapping tomorrow and do my planned interval run. 

Does anyone else find that having a definite plan of attack for work is helpful? I really need to have things staring me in the face in order to really be productive. Since I killed yesterday, today I'm a little bit at loose ends. Hence: blogging.

On a different note; for various reasons, this year I have been reading almost nothing but Victorian novels. I just really love them, and they take up a lot of time, so I decided to devote the year to catching up on some I hadn't gotten around to yet. I started the year off with a re-read of Jane Eyre (a favorite) and since then I've read all new stuff: North and South, Armadale, The Way We Live Now, Nicholas Nickleby, Villette, The Tenant of Wildfell Hall, and Vanity Fair. (I think that's it? I might've left something out.) Having just finished Vanity Fair, I've decided to finish up the year with another re-read: Great Expectations (another favorite). It could be that I'll finish it before the year is up, but that's ok. It was a fun theme and project, but I'm ready to move on. Will there be a theme next year? Stay tuned!

Not much else to report today. Guess that means it's time to work.

Blog-ness

Obviously, I've never managed to settle into a real blogging habit. It's not even a question of being too busy...I'm just lazy, and perhaps a bit too mentally unorganized? I'm always poking around for blogs to read, though, and I never quite find what I'm looking for. I have the sneaking suspicion it's because I'd like to read the blog that my Awesome Blogging Self would write, if I could channel said ABS. Maybe, just maybe, I can try to organize my thoughts enough to write about things I like writing/reading about. Perhaps a list would help?

 *Fitness

 Oftentimes I don't think of myself as having a particularly fit lifestyle, although if/when my husband reads this, he will snort, roll his eyes, and give me a stern talking to. Here's what my ideal week would look like, fitness-wise:
 Monday: Rest day, 20 min. yoga.
Tuesday: Morning run (2-3 mi), evening yoga class (1 hr).
Wednesday: Morning run (intervals), 20 min. yoga.
Thursday: Morning run, evening yoga class.
 Friday: Morning run (with bonus strength training), 20 min. yoga.
Saturday: Rest day, maybe 20 min. yoga?
Sunday: Long run (6+ miles, depending on training, etc.)

So far I have yet to come anywhere near achieving this goal schedule. I'm holding pretty steadily at four runs a week, and I usually manage to make one yoga class, but it's just hard to fit everything into the schedule. The 20 minute yoga thing is something I really struggle with, because usually after dinner I just want to sit like a lump until it's time to go to bed. Throw in the usual "I have a life" randomness (this week, I've got some kind of eye issue which means I've been wearing glasses every day, which makes working out difficult), and I guess what I'm left with is the feeling that I'm not as much of a crazed worker-outer as I'd like to be. I just read a blog post about "Never Enough," and boy, did that hit home. Instead of "Hey, I've gone out and managed two runs, one of them intervals, while wearing glasses!," I'm busy thinking "Ugh. I should've gotten up and run this morning instead of sleeping in a little, hoping it would help my eye heal more quickly." Even my best intentions sound like excuses to me. SO, work on positivity, scheduling, motivation, eh?

*Food

 I love food. We are very big on cooking and having family mealtimes in our house, and as my husband said the other night, "We eat pretty well around here." We usually even manage to have leftovers for lunch the next day, although sometimes I think you just need a PBJ. We plan our meals for the week, usually on Sundays, and then grocery shop according to what we've planned. Let me see if I can remember this week's menu.

Monday: Crock Pot Italian Sloppy Joes w/kale chips (pretty good, and decent leftovers).
 Tuesday: Zucchini Enchiladas (I added refried beans, and these were TASTY. Next time we are doubling for more leftovers).

Both Monday and Tuesday's recipes were from a recently-discovered website: http://www.skinnytaste.com. I think it's a keeper.

 Wednesday: Pressed Waffle Paninis. An oldie but goodie from Vegetarian Times, although they never hold together very well. Also not great for leftovers.
Thursday: Tonight we're having a Vegetable Fried Rice. I love stir-frys or fried rice recipes, they're so full of yummy stuff.
 Friday: We're actually going to have dinner at the in-laws, but we had planned for some sauteed shrimp with angel hair and zucchini. We'll probably make it Saturday.

 I try to alternate vegetarian and meat-eater recipes, just for the variety. This week I have been challenging myself to avoid "added" sugar, so none in my tea, and nothing specifically sugary to eat. So far so good, actually. The Coke Zero I had with my lunch (PBJ and Coke is one of the best lunches ever) feels like cheating, but hey! It's not actually sugar. Mmmm, delicious chemicals.

*Life

Life is...well, complicated, to be honest. I suppose that's true of everyone. There are a lot of things that need to change, but overall I guess I can't complain too much. The past couple of years have felt like biding our time, in some ways. I try to remember to live in the now and not think of anything I'm doing as being preparatory or contingent on how I want things to be, but sometimes you're just in limbo, whether you like it or not.

Ugh. This is exhausting. Perhaps in future, if I can get myself to write, I'll just pick one topic. But I wanted to think about particular things that are important to me about my day-to-day routine. Exactly what the world needs: another food and fitness blog. Good stuff.