Reasonably often in my life, I look back at past relationships, and I am sorry for how I behaved. Not only romantic relationships, although I admit that generally those are the ones I look back on. As I grow older, I put a lot of effort into understanding myself: how I do things, why I do things, what I think about things, etc. In doing so, it's amazing how often I realize what must've been the motivation behind past behaviors; sometimes not only my own, but those of the other person as well. For the most part it's a pretty great thing. I'm proud of the things I've been able to come to terms with, and I'm glad that I understand my baggage. My hope is to keep perspective in order to better advise others, should I ever have the opportunity. Plus any breakthrough I have keeps me one step ahead of going into therapy. I'd like to see how far I can get without professional help.
The interesting part of all this is that when I have these revelations, I find myself wanting to contact the other person in question, and tell them all the things I realized. I want to apologize and explain my actions to them. I want them to know that I understand it now, and that I'm sorry they had to put up with whatever they put up with. Or didn't, I suppose. The existence of the Internet makes this a particularly interesting proposition, given that I am actually in contact with a fairly large percentage of people from my past through things like email and Myspace. If I want to, I can message them with my apologies. The question, though, is whether or not I should. I guess I wonder what their reaction will be. Maybe they've forgotten all about it. Maybe they really just don't care anymore. Maybe they'll say thank you. Maybe they'll come away with realizations of their own. What would you do if some person from your past suddenly contacted you and said "Man, you know, I was thinking about it, and I realize that I was pretty crazy some of the time. Sorry about that. Thanks for putting up with it"? What would you think? That this person wants to be a part of your life again? That they're still a wacko? The truth of the matter is that I still care about anyone I ever cared about, and I want them to know it. I want them to know that I'm sorry for anything I did that was upsetting or confusing or hurtful. I don't hurt people conciously. Thanks to marriage, I've come to realize that sometimes I do say things that are below the belt; that some part of me knows will hit where it hurts...but I realize after the fact, and I feel horrible for doing it. And I'm going to try my damndest not to do it in the future.
I had a dream last night about some old friends. They're not long-lost, particularly, but we haven't been in contact for several months, either. I was involved with one of them for a little while, and it was a strange situation. In the dream we were just trying to communicate and we were failing. And then I woke up, and suddenly realized, in part, what our problem had been all along. More than that, I realized that it was still a problem for him, and has probably held him back from many things in life. Should I tell him these things? Would it serve its purpose?
There's another old flame floating around. My relationship with him has been a sounding board for me as adult: something I've held up in order to examine my behavior, or sometimes something that I look at through the lens of other realizations. I've learned a lot about my behavior in relationships, period...there are, of course, many common threads. With him, though, his reactions tell me so much about how I affected other people. And I'm just so sorry about it. It's not that I want to go back, or that I carry a torch...he's married, so am I. I'm happy with the here and now. I just would like to tell him why I was the way I was, and that I'm sorry it was problematic for us. But I think he'd just think I was nuts.
Is it simply too late for me to be contrite?
Wednesday, December 20, 2006
Friday, December 01, 2006
Meditation -- on.
I've been interested in the concept of meditation for years. I've never managed to get really into it thus far because I don't think I'm the type of person who can do such things by themselves. I have zero focus, really, unless someone is standing there, asking it of me. I learn best in a classroom, essentially.
Along the same lines as meditation, I've recently been working at "clearing my mind." I often find my mind racing from one subject to the next, and sometimes it's just really obnoxious. So my question is, how does one clear the mind? What is a clear mind like? It seems as though the entire concept would, at some point, fall back on itself. If you're focused on clearing your mind, aren't you still going to be thinking of something; namely, whether or not your mind is clear?
Am I merely misunderstanding the concept of a clear mind? I have to admit that sometimes I think I catch it, if only for an instant. This morning, for example, on my way to work, I tried to think of nothing but my breath, coming in for four steps, going out for four. And for a few minutes, that felt pretty great, and I wasn't really thinking about anything else. Is that the clear-mindedness aspired to by yoga practitioners?
I suppose that the point of it is that it is something to be practiced and I should just keep at it. I am mostly unsure of whether or not I'm doing it right. Perhaps it's all just ridiculous. Life being but a dream, and all.
On that subject:
A boat, beneath a sunny sky
Lingering onward dreamily
In an evening of July--
Children three that nestle near,
Eager eye and willing ear,
Pleased a simple tale to hear--
Long has paled that sunny sky;
Echoes fade and memories die;
Autumn frosts have slain July.
Still she haunts me, phantomwise,
Alice moving under skies
Never seen by waking eyes.
Children yet, the tale to hear,
Eager eye and willing ear,
Lovingly shall nestle near.
In a Wonderland they lie,
Dreaming as the days go by,
Dreaming as the summers die;
Ever drifting down the stream--
Lingering in the golden gleam--
Life, what is it but a dream?
--Lewis Carroll
Along the same lines as meditation, I've recently been working at "clearing my mind." I often find my mind racing from one subject to the next, and sometimes it's just really obnoxious. So my question is, how does one clear the mind? What is a clear mind like? It seems as though the entire concept would, at some point, fall back on itself. If you're focused on clearing your mind, aren't you still going to be thinking of something; namely, whether or not your mind is clear?
Am I merely misunderstanding the concept of a clear mind? I have to admit that sometimes I think I catch it, if only for an instant. This morning, for example, on my way to work, I tried to think of nothing but my breath, coming in for four steps, going out for four. And for a few minutes, that felt pretty great, and I wasn't really thinking about anything else. Is that the clear-mindedness aspired to by yoga practitioners?
I suppose that the point of it is that it is something to be practiced and I should just keep at it. I am mostly unsure of whether or not I'm doing it right. Perhaps it's all just ridiculous. Life being but a dream, and all.
On that subject:
A boat, beneath a sunny sky
Lingering onward dreamily
In an evening of July--
Children three that nestle near,
Eager eye and willing ear,
Pleased a simple tale to hear--
Long has paled that sunny sky;
Echoes fade and memories die;
Autumn frosts have slain July.
Still she haunts me, phantomwise,
Alice moving under skies
Never seen by waking eyes.
Children yet, the tale to hear,
Eager eye and willing ear,
Lovingly shall nestle near.
In a Wonderland they lie,
Dreaming as the days go by,
Dreaming as the summers die;
Ever drifting down the stream--
Lingering in the golden gleam--
Life, what is it but a dream?
--Lewis Carroll
Thursday, November 16, 2006
Shakespeare
Not too long ago I read Will in the World, which is a (very well-) hypothesized biography of Shakespeare as we generally acknowledge him to be, i.e. the man from Stratford-on-Avon, etc. I read some other stuff in between (Corelli's Mandolin, recommended if you like Marquez; Tuck Everlasting; Island of the Blue Dolphins, good for a bit of nostalgia), and now I've just started Shakespeare by another Name, which is essentially a biography arguing that "Shakespeare" the author was actually Edward de Vere, [Seventeenth] Earl of Oxford.
So far I've only read the introduction and maybe half of the first chapter, but I'm already blown away by the difference in these two ideas. I don't think the author of the de Vere bio is specifically targeting the work done in Will in the World, necessarily, but he's already blown so many holes in the typical idea of Will Shakespeare that I'm already finding it difficult to believe that "Shakespeare" was a reasonably uneducated, middle-class actor from the country. Honestly, if you look at it that way, it sounds downright silly.
More will be said on this subject when I'm a little further in. Expect at least a book report, and at most a full-blown essay comparing the two theories. Whee, fun.
So far I've only read the introduction and maybe half of the first chapter, but I'm already blown away by the difference in these two ideas. I don't think the author of the de Vere bio is specifically targeting the work done in Will in the World, necessarily, but he's already blown so many holes in the typical idea of Will Shakespeare that I'm already finding it difficult to believe that "Shakespeare" was a reasonably uneducated, middle-class actor from the country. Honestly, if you look at it that way, it sounds downright silly.
More will be said on this subject when I'm a little further in. Expect at least a book report, and at most a full-blown essay comparing the two theories. Whee, fun.
Monday, November 06, 2006
Little Miss S
I have, at many points, vowed eternal love for Pandora.com. My favorite thing is to be minding my own business and be suddenly confronted with a song I love and probably haven't heard in many, many years. I just got hit with one such song: Little Miss S by Edie Brickell & New Bohemians. I used to have the tape. I bought it used at The Emporium. Little Miss S was probably my favorite song on the album. It's like greeting a long-lost friend when one hears a strain of music, forgotten but familiar, and clicks over to see what it is. The heart leaps upon the realization. No, seriously.
The funny thing is, listening to it again, recalling the lyrics, I've no idea why I ever liked it so much. I think part of it was merely the title. I am, after all, a little miss S. But check out the lyrics. Those don't describe me in the slightest. Never could, never would. What's fascinating, though, is that I think Edie Brickell foresaw the future in some fashion. This song doesn't describe me, but it gets someone like Paris Hilton spot on. It absolutely describes the celebutante (don't you just love that word?) in all her trashy glory. How'd she do it? I suppose there's nothing new about the concept of a talentless rich girl, living fast and leaving a good-looking corpse, but they really seemed to be a somewhat recent phenomenon, didn't they? They fascinate me. They hold such power over the general population; somehow convincing us that they are beautiful, or talented, or important, when they're really probably just dysfunctional messes, begging for fleeting attention in place of meaningful relationships. We live vicariously through them when in fact we probably have much better lives. Think about it next time you wish you were rich and famous. Would you trade that life for your friends, your family? I don't think I would.
I guess there wasn't really a grand and glorious point to this, but I told myself that I'd wait until something really caught my attention before talking about it here. Nothing like the emergence of an old friend to take you out of yourself, at least for a little while.
The funny thing is, listening to it again, recalling the lyrics, I've no idea why I ever liked it so much. I think part of it was merely the title. I am, after all, a little miss S. But check out the lyrics. Those don't describe me in the slightest. Never could, never would. What's fascinating, though, is that I think Edie Brickell foresaw the future in some fashion. This song doesn't describe me, but it gets someone like Paris Hilton spot on. It absolutely describes the celebutante (don't you just love that word?) in all her trashy glory. How'd she do it? I suppose there's nothing new about the concept of a talentless rich girl, living fast and leaving a good-looking corpse, but they really seemed to be a somewhat recent phenomenon, didn't they? They fascinate me. They hold such power over the general population; somehow convincing us that they are beautiful, or talented, or important, when they're really probably just dysfunctional messes, begging for fleeting attention in place of meaningful relationships. We live vicariously through them when in fact we probably have much better lives. Think about it next time you wish you were rich and famous. Would you trade that life for your friends, your family? I don't think I would.
I guess there wasn't really a grand and glorious point to this, but I told myself that I'd wait until something really caught my attention before talking about it here. Nothing like the emergence of an old friend to take you out of yourself, at least for a little while.
Sunday, November 05, 2006
Application of Self
When I told Andrew that I'd decided to return to this blog, he asked me what I intended to do with it. I found myself stumbling through an attempted explanation of wanting to do various things: focus on varied interests, find some disclipline in furthering those interests...ultimately, I guess, I'm looking for lessons in application. In dealing with online networking, etc., one of the things we're often asked is "What are your interests?" I really kind of hate that question. I'm interested, to some degree, in so many things. The problem is that I don't really apply myself to most of them.
Maybe to any of them. I don't know where to begin.
I have a good friend who says that this is the curse of particularly intelligent individuals. We're doomed to find everything interesting, and to be unable to focus wholly on any one thing. We're never going to be the best at something. In a lot of ways, it's a really valid concept. I see it in him, myself, many of those closest to me. And so my question becomes, how do I change this?
While I was in school, it was easy to ignore this lack of application. There was always something immediately demanding attention and application: a paper, an exam, something to be read. Now that I'm an "adult", I don't have that out anymore. Why do you think I'm in such a hurry to go back to school, yet again? The thing is, there really are things to which I could apply myself. Now's the time to develop hobbies, to find out what I like and what interests me, to delve further into how my brain works, and how I view the world. I'm even sort of half-heartedly working on professional interests, eyeing a topic that will most likely make for some pretty interesting and potentially important research. Still, I feel afraid of the notion. I feel that I'll just talk about it, maybe do some research when there's nothing better to do, and never really do anything about it.
Yes, I'm talking about discipline. I don't have it in any great abundance. I'd like to, if only because I believe that it would lead to a better understanding of me. I look at the things I say and do, the things I "blog" about, and I realize that they're so shallow. If we watched a movie last night, I'll say that I liked it, perhaps, but I'll hardly ever say why. Same with anything else.
Does any of this make any sense? It's really just something to work on. And I guess that the only way to work on it is to make the effort to go an inch further, for now, into the things I choose to discuss. Hence, this blog will (theoretically) be an experiment in deeper thought. Probably about shallow topics to start with, since it might be easiest to analyze a song I'm currently obsessed with, or a movie we see, or a random item of internet-ness that I feel the need to share. Start small, eh? I don't know if I want to discuss any professional ideas, as someone could conceivably steal my ideas. Is that silly and paranoid?
Just some thoughts for a Sunday afternoon. If I take them to heart, I'll get off the computer directly and go DO something with myself. Ask me later if I made it to the gym.
Maybe to any of them. I don't know where to begin.
I have a good friend who says that this is the curse of particularly intelligent individuals. We're doomed to find everything interesting, and to be unable to focus wholly on any one thing. We're never going to be the best at something. In a lot of ways, it's a really valid concept. I see it in him, myself, many of those closest to me. And so my question becomes, how do I change this?
While I was in school, it was easy to ignore this lack of application. There was always something immediately demanding attention and application: a paper, an exam, something to be read. Now that I'm an "adult", I don't have that out anymore. Why do you think I'm in such a hurry to go back to school, yet again? The thing is, there really are things to which I could apply myself. Now's the time to develop hobbies, to find out what I like and what interests me, to delve further into how my brain works, and how I view the world. I'm even sort of half-heartedly working on professional interests, eyeing a topic that will most likely make for some pretty interesting and potentially important research. Still, I feel afraid of the notion. I feel that I'll just talk about it, maybe do some research when there's nothing better to do, and never really do anything about it.
Yes, I'm talking about discipline. I don't have it in any great abundance. I'd like to, if only because I believe that it would lead to a better understanding of me. I look at the things I say and do, the things I "blog" about, and I realize that they're so shallow. If we watched a movie last night, I'll say that I liked it, perhaps, but I'll hardly ever say why. Same with anything else.
Does any of this make any sense? It's really just something to work on. And I guess that the only way to work on it is to make the effort to go an inch further, for now, into the things I choose to discuss. Hence, this blog will (theoretically) be an experiment in deeper thought. Probably about shallow topics to start with, since it might be easiest to analyze a song I'm currently obsessed with, or a movie we see, or a random item of internet-ness that I feel the need to share. Start small, eh? I don't know if I want to discuss any professional ideas, as someone could conceivably steal my ideas. Is that silly and paranoid?
Just some thoughts for a Sunday afternoon. If I take them to heart, I'll get off the computer directly and go DO something with myself. Ask me later if I made it to the gym.
Back again.
Well, we see what happened with that particular idea. Not a thing. I decided that hanging out on LJ was more important, given that's where my friends were, and that's how I communicated and kept in touch with them. Of course, now I also have a Myspace, because there's a collection of friends over there. And now, I'm thinking again about having a more "grown-up" and somehow more adult-friendly "blog" as opposed to an LJ. I still don't think there's a difference. But I'm willing to entertain the notion. Maybe I'll post different things here. Maybe I'll just cross-post. Who knows? I can be spontaneous...I'm completely allowed. So there.
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