Application of Self

When I told Andrew that I'd decided to return to this blog, he asked me what I intended to do with it. I found myself stumbling through an attempted explanation of wanting to do various things: focus on varied interests, find some disclipline in furthering those interests...ultimately, I guess, I'm looking for lessons in application. In dealing with online networking, etc., one of the things we're often asked is "What are your interests?" I really kind of hate that question. I'm interested, to some degree, in so many things. The problem is that I don't really apply myself to most of them.

Maybe to any of them. I don't know where to begin.

I have a good friend who says that this is the curse of particularly intelligent individuals. We're doomed to find everything interesting, and to be unable to focus wholly on any one thing. We're never going to be the best at something. In a lot of ways, it's a really valid concept. I see it in him, myself, many of those closest to me. And so my question becomes, how do I change this?

While I was in school, it was easy to ignore this lack of application. There was always something immediately demanding attention and application: a paper, an exam, something to be read. Now that I'm an "adult", I don't have that out anymore. Why do you think I'm in such a hurry to go back to school, yet again? The thing is, there really are things to which I could apply myself. Now's the time to develop hobbies, to find out what I like and what interests me, to delve further into how my brain works, and how I view the world. I'm even sort of half-heartedly working on professional interests, eyeing a topic that will most likely make for some pretty interesting and potentially important research. Still, I feel afraid of the notion. I feel that I'll just talk about it, maybe do some research when there's nothing better to do, and never really do anything about it.

Yes, I'm talking about discipline. I don't have it in any great abundance. I'd like to, if only because I believe that it would lead to a better understanding of me. I look at the things I say and do, the things I "blog" about, and I realize that they're so shallow. If we watched a movie last night, I'll say that I liked it, perhaps, but I'll hardly ever say why. Same with anything else.

Does any of this make any sense? It's really just something to work on. And I guess that the only way to work on it is to make the effort to go an inch further, for now, into the things I choose to discuss. Hence, this blog will (theoretically) be an experiment in deeper thought. Probably about shallow topics to start with, since it might be easiest to analyze a song I'm currently obsessed with, or a movie we see, or a random item of internet-ness that I feel the need to share. Start small, eh? I don't know if I want to discuss any professional ideas, as someone could conceivably steal my ideas. Is that silly and paranoid?

Just some thoughts for a Sunday afternoon. If I take them to heart, I'll get off the computer directly and go DO something with myself. Ask me later if I made it to the gym.