Pretty

Beloved, thou hast brought me many flowers
Plucked in the garden, all the summer through
And winter, and it seemed as if they grew
In this close room, nor missed the sun and showers.
So, in the like name of that love of ours,
Take back these thoughts which here unfolded too,
And which on warm and cold days I withdrew
From my heart's ground. Indeed, those beds and
bowers
Be overgrown with bitter weeds and rue,
And wait thy weeding; yet here's eglantine,
Here's ivy!-take them, as I used to do
Thy flowers, and keep them where they shall not pine.
Instruct thine eyes to keep their colours true,
And tell thy soul their roots are left in mine.

~Elizabeth Barrett Browning

Sweet November

Based off of trivia and quotes from the film Sweet November, it would appear that Jason Isaacs (Lucius Malfoy, c'mon) appears as the cross-dressing, possibly gay best friend character. That might almost be worth watching. What is the world coming to?

Why fencing? (250 words or less)

My friends who run the Phoenix Center, where I now fence, have asked their fencers to write a short essay on why they enjoy fencing. I thought it was an interesting exercise ... mostly to break it down to the gist of the thing and to really look at my thoughts on the subject. I thought it might be worth sharing. Enjoy.

Why do I love to fence? I believe that fencing is a true metaphor for all other aspects of life; both in terms of social existence and internal growth. Involvement in the sport can aid and enhance personal development in a variety of ways.

My favorite aspect of fencing is the fact that anyone can do it. Fencers come in all sizes: short, tall, fat, thin; they come in all ages and colors and from walks of life. I’m not entirely sure there’s another sport that can boast of such diversity. I’ve made lifelong friends through fencing, and I’m always amazed by the range of people who choose to devote some part of themselves to the sport.

Fencing encompasses all of the positives of engaging in an athletic endeavor: fitness, discipline, a sense of pride in one’s performance. Before I took up fencing, I was not a particularly athletically gifted person; now I can move into just about any sport and perform as a reasonable level. It’s helped me stay in shape and been a motivating factor in maintaining exercise habits. It’s developed a healthy sense of competition.

Ultimately, fencing has made me who I am. After sixteen years, I truly believe that I have found all of the best and worst in myself through fencing. I understand my limitations and my strengths, both physically and mentally. Fencing means personal growth, social development, and application of oneself to something that can prove worthwhile for a lifetime.

Resistance is futile

I was thinking this morning about assimilation. Not in scary Borg terms, but just in general. The kind of assimilation that makes us become a minivan-driving soccer mom, or that makes the be-tattooed and pierced mid-twenty something crowd buy their babies' onesies at Hot Topic.

You know, it's all conformity. We're all conforming to something. It is only our own sensibilities that determine what we conform to, at least at the most personal level. I think the point I was trying to get to in my head was that, to a degree, there is nothing wrong with a little bit of conformity. It's the natural byproduct of being a part of human society. There are certain concessions to be made to the social mentality. Accept it. It doesn't have to be a complete destruction of one's personality or beliefs, particularly if it's with regard to something of only marginal importance. Much like the favorite cliche, I'm not saying that if all your friends shoot heroin, you should do the same. I'm saying ... if it's the concession that you have to, say, wear business attire for an interview, suck it up. Is it really that big a deal? Is it life-threatening? Are you really going to spontaneously turn into Donald Trump if you have to wear something other than your usual uniform in order to feed yourself and pay your rent? Look at it this way: it's modern evolution at work. Survival of the fittest. Keep your principles, if you wish, but understand that there may come a time where it's them or you.

It seems to me that there's a fine line to being principled. Great, you've got your guns and you're stickin' to 'em. All I ask is for a little perspective, a little moderation. I think you can stick to your guns in a mature manner and understand that sometimes, well, you're just gonna have to leave those guns at home. I don't think one needs to take such a mandate as some personal indictment of, well, anything. Just means you're behaving like a rational human being. Be yourself at home. Go nuts. Be yourself around your friends. At some point, you will reach a balance and discover that there are ways to even be yourself at work or within the confines of greater society. And it's not selling out. It's being a grown-up. It's surviving. It's Darwin, man.

I don't have a big point to make here; it's just something I was thinking about. I know a lot of younger people who are struggling to find the balance in life between wishing to never be forced not to be themselves, and understanding that sometimes, you're just gonna have to be somebody else for a little while. The point is just not to turn into that other person all the time; rather to combine the necessary traits of Society You with Real You.

I definitely consider myself an individual. I hope to remain one. For me, being an individual means liking what I like and doing what I do, regardless of whether or not someone else thinks it's completely bizarre or completely mainstream. I like Dave Matthews and Fantomas. I enjoy professional sports, but I do think the glorification and pay of professional atheletes is obscene. I like to be esoteric and intellectual sometimes, and sometimes I like to watch television and pay attention to the trainwreck that is Britney Spears. I have my doubts about whether or not marriage as a social function is really the right idea, but I chose to get married and to make that relationship work through active engagement, conversation, and compromise. I would infinitely prefer to spend my time in jeans and flip-flops, but I accept that as an adult, sometimes I have to wear high heels.

Conformity doesn't have to be a four-letter word. Just think of it as a survival tactic, except that instead of developing a longer, pointier beak, you're learning to hold your opinions in check if it will keep you from offending your boss. It's still all about making it home with (and for) dinner.

What kind of flirt are you?

I log out of Myspace, and there it is - one of those annoying and ubiquitous (annoyingly ubiquitous?) flash ads, demanding to know what kind of flirt I am. There are horrifically stereotypical pictures with captions like "Seductive" or "Playful" and what-have-you, and as I'm sitting there looking at it, I realize that there's only one good answer to that question.

"Successful."

All-important questions (XLJ)

Would you watch seven seasons (seven seasons) of a television show that you are only mildly interested in, just for the sake of catching a celebrity you love in something like 4 episodes in the middle of the very last season? Think carefully about that. I just can't countenance it, somehow, and people who know the show seem to think I'll be terribly lost and confused if I just watch those 4 or 5 episodes.

...No, I'm not going to tell you. I'll be impressed if you can guess, though.

Five times?

Maximum Strength Mick asks, "What movies have you watched five times?"

I am totally on board with this. My favorite movies aren't all classics, they're just movies that I love, that never fail to touch me or make me laugh or just have some kind of effect. As such, here are five movies that I can always watch.
Singin' in the Rain
Sense & Sensibility(Ang Lee/Emma Thompson)
Clueless
Amelie
Notting Hill

Some of 'em won Oscars, some of 'em didn't. I love them, though, and I'd totally give them awards. S&S would get the Best Declaration of Love award (Edward to Eleanor), as well as the Most Moving Moment, Non-Verbal award (Brandon after he brings Marianne's mother). Clueless totally gets the Best First Kiss award (Josh & Cher), Notting Hill wins the Most Absurd Storyline that Still Actually Kind of Works award. Singin' in the Rain is just the best movie ever, I think. Amelie has the distinction of being a movie that I can watch and then, as the credits begin to roll, think to myself "I could watch it again..."

So yeah. I'm all for Award Season and celebrating a bunch of movies that very few people outside of Academy members saw, but let's be honest. Who's really gonna buy There Will be Blood on DVD and watch it over and over again? Last of the Mohicans, now, there's a Daniel Day-Lewis movie I've seen five times.

Long live the arguably lowbrow but always enjoyable movie. I'm gonna go home and watch the rest of The 10th Kingdom.

Warm-up

So, I went to a tournament last night. A nearby club hosts monthly, Wednesday night tournaments, not really big affairs, but I think you'll find that it wasn't noticeably a slouch tournament. For the non-fencer, all those Bs and Cs mean pretty decent fencers. Add to that the fact that most of them were men, and they're generally stronger fencers (both literally and figuratively) than a woman of the same ranking. Not always true, but a reasonable guess.
In my pool, I broke even, 2-2. I beat the two other women handily (5-1 in both cases). I lost to the two men 5-3 and 5-4, which I'm perfectly happy with, under the circumstances. Neither of them was completely unbeatable for me.
I actually won my first DE, which I was very happy about, given the guy was quite easily twice my size. And apparently a C himself. Go me! 15-14 makes it look like a crap shoot, but I will say that I fenced well the entire bout, used my head, and was just making less mistakes than he was.
I lost my second DE to the eventual winner, who I'd call a pretty strong B, and I don't think he was unbeatable either. He was doing a lot of showy moves that, had I been focusing on the correct target, I would have made him pay for. I don't think I was what he was expecting at all. I'm really, really happy with 15-10 on a solid (male) B.
So, I finished in 8th. I'm totally happy with that result.

All this is leading up to the fact that I will be in Atlanta this weekend, fencing at the Div I NAC. Again, for non-fencers, a Div I means that you have to be at least a C to compete, and you'll be competing against other Cs as well as Bs and As. It's not mixed, so I'll just be fencing women. Div Is are the big time; the people who will be on the Olympic Team for this year are at these things. I actually warmed up with an Olympic prospect at my last Div I.

What this all means, in very simple terms (if you're actually still reading) is that I will most likely get my ass completely handed to me. But I hope to learn something from that, and I hope to do better than at my first Div I, so we'll see how it goes. I'm definitely on a little bit of a high from last night, so we'll keep that momentum going. I stayed calm, I wasn't terribly sloppy, I did a semi-decent job of evaluating my opponents and altering my game accordingly. So, wish me luck.

Mostly, I'm excited to see old friends, hang out with my brother, and buy new equipment. Gotta pick up the rating this year, otherwise it'll go down, and D08 just doesn't have an attractive ring to it.

That's quite enough fencing talk for a while. Tonight there is nothing more exciting planned than a trip to the gym and Waitress with Nathan Fillion. Mmmm. That He ought to get me through the day.

PS: Just got my re-lo reimbursement check from Vassar, so now it's totally a good day. Squee!

Quote of the Day

The Roycrofters were participants of an arts & crafts community in New York in the 20th century. They had a press and published books that look a lot like stuff from the Kelmscott Press. This quote is from the back of such a publication in pamphlet form.

Hate means a hot-box and sand in the bearings, while love lubricates all the affairs of life.

...awesome.

How Can I Keep from Singing?

It's rather frustrating to not have an office; rather, to work in a rather small area ... I listen to music through my headphones, and sometimes, with a song I like, it's all I can do to keep from singing along. Sometimes it's almost a physical discomfort. How ridiculous.

But oh my love, though our bodies may be parted
Though our skin may not touch skin
Look for me with the sun-bright sparrow
I will come on the breath of the wind
~Yankee Bayonet (I Will Be Home Then): The Decemberists

Come on
Without you I'll never feel the love inside of me
Come on, you know that we belong
Come on, come on, come on, come on
~Come On: Ben Jelen

Can he really really
really really really
really really be that bad?
~Really That Bad: The Pipettes

Singing boy pick up that fiddle
And play that steel guitar
And find yourself a lady
And dance right where you are
~Private Conversation: Lyle Lovett

There was a time you let me know
What's real and going on below
But now you never show it to me, do you?
And remember when I moved in you?
The holy dark was moving too
And every breath we drew was Hallelujah
~Hallelujah: Rufus Wainwright

The End of 2007

I'll talk about the holidays some other time, but now I'm in the empty student center at Vassar, checking up on things. The guy a few kiosks behind me has been playing Morphine out loud for the past 15 minutes, and I'm really tempted to turn around and request "Whisper".


Happy New Year.

Jesus H. Christ, Hollywood...

They know what causes babies now, y'know. And it's not something in the water.

Why we have more fun when we're young:

LOVE (imagine that it's flashing; hell, throw in some jazz hands, too) is much more entertaining than actual settled-down-wouldn't-trade-grow-old-together love.

Think about it.

Hypocrisy and Comfort Levels

At work:

So, I walk around the corner, headed to the bathroom, and over in the corner is a girl laying stretched on the floor next to her laptop, which is playing (out loud, no headphones) what sounds like Carrie Underwood. I keep walking, mentally shaking my head and thinking "Geez, what does she think this is, her living room?" and am forced to remind myself that I'm on the way to the bathroom in order to brush my teeth.

Always the best

I stay in reasonably close contact with a friend that I worked with at Buffalo's Cafe, during my (original) college days. Today, we're chatting online when he receives a phone call from another former Buffalo's employee. She called to tell him that another co-worker of ours had died two months ago in a housefire.

Man. I don't even know what to say about that. I remember her so well. She was, first of all, a gorgeous girl. She was also sweet, sassy, and smart, and one of the hardest workers I've ever known. We called her "The Machine".

She was one of the good ones, y'know? It's so weird how things like this happen, not only to good people, but seemingly to a small group of individuals; for example, college students who worked at Buffalo's during the late 90s. We lost another coworker several years ago to a drunk driver, and just this past year another individual who was a regular musician at Buffalo's died suddenly from cancer.

I guess sometimes we need a reminder that life and death are inescapable and without judgement.

Bibliomania

"I have been asked to write a foreword to this bibliography, a work whose good fortune I truly desire, but the nature of whose value or interest to anybody I do not understand. As for myself, I am a collector of sea-shells. I live in the strong though ebbing hope of finding someday on a briefly uncovered sand-bar a right-handed Left-Handed Whelk; or even, someday, after propitious foul weather, of digging out of the beach under the jealous eyes of hundreds who dare not quite attack me and wrest it from me, a perfect Junonia. The very thought of the words "Conus gloria-maris, Hwass" fills me with an ecstasy of longing and despair. But the sight of the words "matchless copy of Hookes' Amanda, with both blank leaves G5 and H" leaves me unaffected. However, as I said, to this bibliography, and to its compiler and to its readers, I wish good fortune. As a maniac in one department, I salute the maniacs in another: may sweet Insanity forever charm our days."

-Edna St.Vincent Millay, foreword to A Bibliography of the Works of ESVM by Karl Yost

The Little Engine that Couldn't

If you know me at all, you're probably aware that I am fiercely competitive, and that I hate to be seen as weak. As much as I might try to believe that women can do anything men can, sometimes, it must be admitted that it's simply not true. Particularly if one is a moderately short woman.

This move has been an interesting experiment in being honest with myself and saying "Face it, Sam. You can't pick up that box and carry it to the car." I'll probably find some other physical activity with which to destroy my body, but I'm proud of myself for acknowledging my limitations. It still sucks that I can't just move everything myself, but what are you going to do? Sometimes it has to be all about the little victories, no?

Hobbies?

This weekend we went to a birthday tea party for a very cool friend of mine. We passed an enjoyable afternoon nibbling on pastries and drinking copious amounts of tea whilst chatting away with said friend and her (equally cool) friends. Now, when I call my friend "cool", I mean it. She's a special collections cataloger, she used to fence, she dabbles heavily in costumery, sewing, cooking, belly dancing...she does a lot. She always has some kind of project going. Her friends would seem to be equally inclined, and at some point in the conversation, we're asked "So, what do you do when you're not being librarians?" And suddenly, I feel intimidated. What are my hobbies??

Fencing, admittedly, can be a pretty all-encompassing hobby. But what do I do if I'm not fencing? Singing, too, can take up a lot of one's time, but I'm not doing that these days. What else? I like doing the crossword in the morning. I spend way too much time on the Internet. I like the usual reading, listening to music, and watching movies, but would I call any of those a hobby? Not particularly. I used to do cross-stitch when I was younger. I can sometimes be counted on to go to the gym regularly. I really like hanging out with my husband. Occasionally we go roller-blading.

So, let's say that, beyond fencing, I don't really have any hobbies. Seeing as I really only fence maybe once or twice a week, what on earth is it that I spend the rest of my time doing? I have no idea. I don't even watch that much television. Must be the Internet.

The natural progression here is to say "Well then, get yourself a hobby!" quickly followed by "What are you interested in? What would you like to do?"

...
...
...

No effing clue. If I look at myself hard in the mirror, I realize that I am not a particularly creative person. Sure, I've tried art and writing and dance, and I'm so-so at all of them, but if I try to think of something I'd actually like to do with my time, none of those jump out at me. Sewing, etc. seems cool sometimes, mostly because in the library world it seems a lot of people go in for that kind of thing. I've been there, done that on the music front, although I'd like to make an honest try of learning to play those tin whistles I've got lying around.

I find myself leaning toward the physical. I'd like to roller-blade more. I could always fence more. One of my best friends (another highly multi-faceted and hobby-laden individual) is now firmly ensconced in the world of roller derby, and man! that looks fun. Ballroom dancing looks interesting, although I think I require some form of outside motivation, and I'm not really sure competitive ballroom fits the bill for me. I'd like to take yoga or Pilates classes, too.

So, there's a few things I could come up with. The problem then becomes being disciplined enough to do them. Plus, with a lot of the physical pastimes, there's an issue of money. In order to do things right, you need teachers and coaches, and in the case of fencing equipment and tournaments (or at least I do - again, the competitive thing).

The ultimate question, then, is "Am I just being lazy?" Lots of hobbies cost money. Sewing costs money to buy materials, etc. My friends with lots of hobbies are no less busy and no more monied than I, yet they find the time and the means to do all the things they do. So what's my problem? Is there some fabulous hobby somewhere that I've not thought of that I should be tapping into? Or should I just become one of the television-happy masses?

Seriously, if anyone's paying attention, I'd love to hear suggestions. Seeing as I'm about to move across the country and spend the next 6 months without my husband or a computer at home, I might as well try some new stuff, no?

PS - In reading back over this post, I think that the issue of "motivation" is a big factor for me. I'd want to do something with my hobby, if you get my meaning. With fencing, I've traveled a fair bit and won a few medals here and there, and that seems to be enough, so it's not major motivation, but there does have to be some. Guess that's something to think about.

American Gangster

The dilemma: I love Russell Crowe. I hate gangster movies. What do I do?

Positive reviews all over the place, even in the LA Times! Russell gets bad press from E!Online gossip columnists who want to maintain his poopy-pants image! Oscar buzz is rampant! He does the press dance, adorably imitating his son Charlie on Leno! And the crowning insult: American Gangster is up against Bee Movie for the weekend box office crown. As much as I love Russell Crowe, I loathe Jerry Seinfeld.

...But I really don't like gangster movies. I actually kind of actively dislike gangster movies. It's not like "Eh, I'm not feelin' it", it's more "Ugh, power-lusting men with guns. Pass."

Stay tuned for the resolution. We really might have to go see it, if only to do my part to keep Seinfeld from taking the box office.

Sigh.

Out of the Deep End

I'm sure it's occurred to me before now, but I really thought about it last night: I haven't lived in that many different parts of the US, but I've traveled a fair bit, and this place easily has the most advertisements for cosmetic surgery ... and by "easily the most" I mean there are tons. Ugh.