Vanessa
Music by Samuel Barber, libretto by Gian Carlo Menotti.
Barber is certainly a more recognizable name than Argento, and I would hope that Menotti's name rings a bell as well. Samuel Barber is arguably one of the premier American composers and mainly worked in orchestral music and art song. Vanessa was his first (and more or less only) opera. I'd at least heard of this one in college, since "Must the winter come so soon" was a pretty standard piece for aspiring mezzos. What is really interesting about this is the fact the Menotti wrote the libretto. If you have not heard of him, Gian Carlo Menotti was a pretty major American composer of opera himself, and wrote some of my absolute favorites, namely The Medium and Amahl and the Night Visitors (seasonal!). He was also Barber's "lifelong companion," as they say. Barber was a big fan of opera but just never found a libretto he was happy with, so finally Menotti decided to write one for him himself. It premiered at the Met in 1958.
Vanessa is a former great beauty, now in her forties, who has lived the life of a recluse for the past 20 years, apparently because of a love affair gone wrong. She has no visitors, wears a veil, and covers all mirrors and portraits in her house. She lives with her niece, Erika (about 20), and her mother, "The Baroness," who refuses to speak to her. When the opera begins, Erika is arranging the household for an important guest, who Vanessa is awaiting anxiously. Apparently, the guest is her former lover, but instead of himself arriving, it is his son, also named Anatole, who appears. His father has died, and he is curious about the woman who haunted his father.
Almost immediately upon arriving, Anatole seduces Erika, but then declares his affection for Vanessa herself. Erika, nursing a fairy tale idea of romance, disagrees with Anatole's more worldly approach, and so turns down his proposal of marriage, despite her feelings for him. She decides that since Vanessa has been waiting for so long, living in solitude and ostensibly "saving herself," that it is only fair she be the one to win Anatole's hand. In good order, Anatole and Vanessa announce their engagement, subsequent with our discovery that Erika is now carrying Anatole's child. She rushes out into a bitter winter night, apparently to end her life. She is found, hours later, passed out in the snow. Upon recovering, she admits to her grandmother, The Baroness, that she was with child, but is no longer. Her grandmother leaves the room without a word, and it is clear that she will never speak to Erika again, either.
A month passes (we are told). Anatole and Vanessa are married and preparing to move to Paris. Vanessa is haunted by what that night, and constantly asks both Anatole and Erika if there was something between them. They, of course, deny this. Vanessa tells Erika that the house is hers, and after the newlyweds leave, Erika covers all the mirrors and portraits, locks the gate, and dons a veil, declaring that now it is her turn to wait.
Clearly, a properly "operatic" plot. Since Barber is, like Argento, a "contemporary" composer, we again have a work that is not really given to memorable melodies, or even arias in the traditional sense. The mostly conversational nature of the work leads me to believe that it's probably much more interesting/enjoyable to actually watch a production, rather than simply listen to a recording. The music is the real star here. It moves from solemn to playful to melodramatic in a matter of seconds, and definitely gives a mood of anxiety and impending doom. I really liked the concepts at play here - the supposition that Vanessa's doomed love affair played itself out in perhaps the same way that Erika's does, and that therefore there is hope that Erika herself will be rescued someday by the shadow of her former lover. They're almost like Miss Havisham, with all her clocks stopped, still in her wedding dress. The Baroness hovers over them, disapproving, like a guilty conscience, and they wait with growing anxiety for the day when they will be rescued and can revisit a perhaps lost youth. Kind of what we all want, isn't it?
Friday, December 18, 2009
Wednesday, December 02, 2009
Opera #1: Postcard from Morocco
Postcard from Morocco
Music by Dominick Argento, text by John Donohue.
Never heard of this one, have you? It's a one-act, and Argento, surprisingly, is a "contemporary" American composer. The opera premiered in Minneapolis in 1971. It's basically a group of people at a train station, most of whom are identified by something they are carrying: "Hat Lady," "Old-Luggage Man," and so forth. There are also, apparently, entertainments like a puppet show and operetta singers, roles which are doubled by the waiting passengers. Each individual is protective of their privacy and self by way of behaving defensively toward their possessions. In turn, all of the other individuals try to learn about each person, and to see inside each bag, case, or box. Ultimately, one character, "Mr. Owen," (the only one with a name) is forced to reveal that his "painting kit" is, in reality, empty. Once this realization is made, the other characters fade away, leaving "Mr. Owen" to sink into his own fantasy world, and the opera ends.
The text is in English, and the music is, of course, very "contemporary" in style, with not a lot that resembles a traditional aria. Excellent singing, though, and a very expressive style, which is apparently a trademark of Argento's work. I generally prefer things that are much more melodic and lyric, but I think that in this case the style worked to convey the chaos of an being in an unfamiliar, busy place and interacting with strangers.
Ultimately, I thought the opera was very interesting, and the story reminded me of existentialism, of Sartre's "No Exit," and the notion that "Hell is other people". All of the characters display or communicate a fear ... fear of traveling, of other people, of revealing themselves; yet they all want to get others to open up to them. In the end, when they succeed, they are then no longer interested in the individual who has been laid bare. Within the "entertainments" are musical references, most notably to Wagner and his The Flying Dutchman, which focuses on an character supernaturally cursed to sail the seas forever unless saved by a stranger's act of compassion and love. Argento says of Postcard that it "could ... serve as a prologue to Wagner's opera, suggesting a different but equally possible origin of that journey: not launched by supernatural forces at all, but by very human ones, by people who fail to show charity or pity, love or understanding ... Perhaps this unkindness is self protective or thoughtless or not malicious; perhaps it is the result of curiosity, suspicion, selfishness ... Whatever the reason, when it does occur, another Dutchman is born and ... a new voyage begins." (text from CD program notes)
An operatic journey begins...
Music by Dominick Argento, text by John Donohue.
Never heard of this one, have you? It's a one-act, and Argento, surprisingly, is a "contemporary" American composer. The opera premiered in Minneapolis in 1971. It's basically a group of people at a train station, most of whom are identified by something they are carrying: "Hat Lady," "Old-Luggage Man," and so forth. There are also, apparently, entertainments like a puppet show and operetta singers, roles which are doubled by the waiting passengers. Each individual is protective of their privacy and self by way of behaving defensively toward their possessions. In turn, all of the other individuals try to learn about each person, and to see inside each bag, case, or box. Ultimately, one character, "Mr. Owen," (the only one with a name) is forced to reveal that his "painting kit" is, in reality, empty. Once this realization is made, the other characters fade away, leaving "Mr. Owen" to sink into his own fantasy world, and the opera ends.
The text is in English, and the music is, of course, very "contemporary" in style, with not a lot that resembles a traditional aria. Excellent singing, though, and a very expressive style, which is apparently a trademark of Argento's work. I generally prefer things that are much more melodic and lyric, but I think that in this case the style worked to convey the chaos of an being in an unfamiliar, busy place and interacting with strangers.
Ultimately, I thought the opera was very interesting, and the story reminded me of existentialism, of Sartre's "No Exit," and the notion that "Hell is other people". All of the characters display or communicate a fear ... fear of traveling, of other people, of revealing themselves; yet they all want to get others to open up to them. In the end, when they succeed, they are then no longer interested in the individual who has been laid bare. Within the "entertainments" are musical references, most notably to Wagner and his The Flying Dutchman, which focuses on an character supernaturally cursed to sail the seas forever unless saved by a stranger's act of compassion and love. Argento says of Postcard that it "could ... serve as a prologue to Wagner's opera, suggesting a different but equally possible origin of that journey: not launched by supernatural forces at all, but by very human ones, by people who fail to show charity or pity, love or understanding ... Perhaps this unkindness is self protective or thoughtless or not malicious; perhaps it is the result of curiosity, suspicion, selfishness ... Whatever the reason, when it does occur, another Dutchman is born and ... a new voyage begins." (text from CD program notes)
An operatic journey begins...
A project!
So, in a former life, I wanted to be an opera singer. And yet, somehow, I never really paid that much attention to opera. Recently, I was reminded of how much I do actually like great voices, and I was inspired to listen to some opera. But where to begin? Well, I happen to have a book entitled The Metropolitan Opera: Stories of the Great Operas by John W. Freeman, in which are listed 150 operas deemed "important". And so, the idea for a project was born. I would read the synopsis and information about an opera, and then get hold of a recording and listen to it. Whether or not I will successfully post about them is another story entirely, but I'm willing to try. And so, this is the introduction. I just finished listening to the first opera in the book, and I will try to talk a bit about it momentarily. If nothing else, I ought to feel a little more cultured ... and I'm always saying I ought to listen to more "classical" music.
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Thumb-twiddling
Without going into too much detail, I am here to tell you that I suddenly find that I am not currently singing, fencing, or cataloging. What on earth am I doing with my life? I sort of thought when this day came, I would have had something much more important going on to take the place of these all-important activities. You know, like a kid, maybe. Instead, I putter around the house, spend way too much time on the Internet, have finished watching the entirety of Buffy, the Vampire Slayer, don't work out enough, and sometimes read multiple books in one day.
I didn't really have a point to this post. It's just Christmas music season here at Chez Klein, which always makes me miss the singing. I don't actually miss fencing a whole lot - I needed a break. I will most likely be working again before too terribly long. It's just a weird place to be : Sunday night with the week ahead of you pretty much wide open. I'll try to get some cardio, I'll go to the library and get something else to read ... but what else? Damn all other hobbies for sounding unappealing.
I need something to do.
I didn't really have a point to this post. It's just Christmas music season here at Chez Klein, which always makes me miss the singing. I don't actually miss fencing a whole lot - I needed a break. I will most likely be working again before too terribly long. It's just a weird place to be : Sunday night with the week ahead of you pretty much wide open. I'll try to get some cardio, I'll go to the library and get something else to read ... but what else? Damn all other hobbies for sounding unappealing.
I need something to do.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
My philosophy
As summarized in a conversation with my brother.
People suck. Surround yourself with people who suck less than others, and try not to be a person who sucks a lot. That's about it.
People suck. Surround yourself with people who suck less than others, and try not to be a person who sucks a lot. That's about it.
Friday, October 23, 2009
Mac-hell-yes
I've just been inspired, by news of a big-screen production of Coriolanus and a fun movie blog, to revisit an old LJ post of mine. It basically involves a smash-bang idea for a big-screen production of Macbeth, which has NOT been done properly, and, well, I'm going to let you read my argument for it in a minute. The following is my original post. New ideas for casting will be italicized.
...
So, a couple of days ago, Andrew & I were discussing (ok, I was babbling and he was tuning me out) Clive Owen and Daniel Craig and how they both started out in theatre and have done their fair share of Shakespeare, which I would love to see, of course. I went off on a tangent, trying to figure out what play could be turned into a film version that could star both actors. And it was kind of hard to start out with. They're both in their late 30s-early 40s so you really can't do another version of Midsummer Night's Dream, or anything with the usual two sets of young lovers. I filed this dilemma away in the back of my mind and went on with my life.
But then, this morning, I hit upon the solution, and seriously? It's kind of brilliant. There hasn't been a really good version of Macbeth done recently. There've been some modernizations and weird realizations and things, but not a serious version. Think about it: it's got plenty of room for new-fangled special effects. It's got big battle scenes. It calls for absolutely top-notch actors ... I seriously think it could be a blockbuster. And none of the true leads have to be dewy, fresh-faced youngsters. They can be people in their prime. Anyway. Here's my casting. Yes, I'm thinkin' BIG.
Macbeth
Dramatis Personae
Duncan, king of Scotland ... Ian McKellen (Sir Ian, having already done Macbeth, will enjoy this irony)
Malcolm, Donalbain, his sons ... Gerard Butler, James McAvoy (both Scots)
Macbeth, Banquo, generals of the King's army ... Clive Owen, Kenneth Branagh (who in a perfect world, will also direct)
Macduff, Lennox, Ross, Menteith, Angus, Caithness, noblemen of Scotland ... Daniel Craig (as Macduff, the perfect foil to dark and brooding Clive Owen). Not picky about the rest. Some British-y actors I like : Mark Strong, David Thewlis, Matthew Macfadyen, Dominic West, Jeremy Northam, Rufus Sewell, Chiwetel Ejiofor...
Fleance, son to Banquo ... Freddie Highmore or Thomas Sangster. Sorry, Dan Radcliffe is too old.
A Porter ... Derek Jacobi. Although, Sir Ian in a cleverly disguised double role might be interesting...
Lady Macbeth ... Cate Blanchett
Lady Macduff ... Emily Watson
Three Witches ... Emma Thompson, Phyllida Law, Sophie Thompson (The latter two are Emma's mother and sister, respectively, and I just think the three of them would have a rousing good time)
...
Anyway. Yeah. I think it's brilliant. Somebody needs to get on that. Maybe when Branagh is done with Thor. What do you think?
...
So, a couple of days ago, Andrew & I were discussing (ok, I was babbling and he was tuning me out) Clive Owen and Daniel Craig and how they both started out in theatre and have done their fair share of Shakespeare, which I would love to see, of course. I went off on a tangent, trying to figure out what play could be turned into a film version that could star both actors. And it was kind of hard to start out with. They're both in their late 30s-early 40s so you really can't do another version of Midsummer Night's Dream, or anything with the usual two sets of young lovers. I filed this dilemma away in the back of my mind and went on with my life.
But then, this morning, I hit upon the solution, and seriously? It's kind of brilliant. There hasn't been a really good version of Macbeth done recently. There've been some modernizations and weird realizations and things, but not a serious version. Think about it: it's got plenty of room for new-fangled special effects. It's got big battle scenes. It calls for absolutely top-notch actors ... I seriously think it could be a blockbuster. And none of the true leads have to be dewy, fresh-faced youngsters. They can be people in their prime. Anyway. Here's my casting. Yes, I'm thinkin' BIG.
Macbeth
Dramatis Personae
Duncan, king of Scotland ... Ian McKellen (Sir Ian, having already done Macbeth, will enjoy this irony)
Malcolm, Donalbain, his sons ... Gerard Butler, James McAvoy (both Scots)
Macbeth, Banquo, generals of the King's army ... Clive Owen, Kenneth Branagh (who in a perfect world, will also direct)
Macduff, Lennox, Ross, Menteith, Angus, Caithness, noblemen of Scotland ... Daniel Craig (as Macduff, the perfect foil to dark and brooding Clive Owen). Not picky about the rest. Some British-y actors I like : Mark Strong, David Thewlis, Matthew Macfadyen, Dominic West, Jeremy Northam, Rufus Sewell, Chiwetel Ejiofor...
Fleance, son to Banquo ... Freddie Highmore or Thomas Sangster. Sorry, Dan Radcliffe is too old.
A Porter ... Derek Jacobi. Although, Sir Ian in a cleverly disguised double role might be interesting...
Lady Macbeth ... Cate Blanchett
Lady Macduff ... Emily Watson
Three Witches ... Emma Thompson, Phyllida Law, Sophie Thompson (The latter two are Emma's mother and sister, respectively, and I just think the three of them would have a rousing good time)
...
Anyway. Yeah. I think it's brilliant. Somebody needs to get on that. Maybe when Branagh is done with Thor. What do you think?
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Road trip!
I have not been on top of my blog reading. In catching up, I am once again struck with the weird notion that everyone else has a more interesting life than I do, which is most likely not all THAT true. I just think it's boring 'cause I'm in the middle of it. Anyway. We recently completed a rather ridiculous road trip, so I'll post about that. Stay tuned if you read the husband's blog, as he'll probably have a more structured wrap-up at some point. Anyway. Here goes ...
Day 1. Drive from Danbury, CT to Ann Arbor, MI. Yeah, you're reading that right. 12 hours. After about a 30 minute break at the home of friends Jen & Erik (and adorable cats Mariane and Amelia) we head over to Detroit to watch the Tigers kick the crap out of the Twins. Ugh. At least the Twins had the last laugh...
Day 2. Pancakes w/Jen & Erik. Brief look around UMich campus, culminating in lunch w/Jen T. and a friend of hers. We hit the road for Chicago, where we have a really fabulous dinner w/friends Matt and Melissa, then proceed to sit up and talk baseball into the wee hours. Adorable cat is Emmy.
Day 3. Apple pancake (yummm) at M&M's ... celebratory mood, as Matt is celebrating a birthday AND passing the bar! Into the car, headed to Stillwater, MN, home base of the Kleins. Dinner with Mother-in-Law. I realize that homes I've stayed in more than once, occupied by family, really start to feel like home after a while. Adorable cats Maya, Beatrix, and Claire.
Day 4. Head north to Two Harbors and "The North Shore" for the main event of this trip, the wedding of Matt and Jessica! Large group of friends all staying in a lodge for the weekend = extremely fun times. Highlights include Gooseberry Falls in the rain, post-barbecue bonfire, Jones D&D themed sodas, copious amounts of beer, friends galore!
Day 5. Sleep in. Huge breakfast with a crowd. Lovely walk along the shore of Lake Superior. Wedding! The sun came out, ceremony was lovely, celebration a total success. Matt & Jess know how to throw a party. No adorable cat.
Day 6. Up early, driving back to Chicago for a stay with husband's uncle John and aunt Marti. Lovely people. Another house that feels like home. Greek food, yum. No adorable cat.
Day 7. Up for diner breakfast w/John, drive to Indianapolis. Brief stop in sports bar to watch (early and boring) part of Twins/Tigers tie-breaker. Dinner at YAT'S (chili cheese etoufee FTW!!) with CORINNE AND LEILI! "Home" again to my uncles' Rich and Jim's. Twins WIN? Awesome. Adorable cat Tucker and awesome, awesome poochie Max.
Day 8. Bloomington for a brief walk-around and a pancake at the Deli. Pancake and Pax II as good as remembered. Bask in Twins' win. See various people : Robert, SLIS folk, Andrew and Zander, Scotty, Leili and various fencing types. No Sammy K. :( Back to Indy for dinner at Bazbeaux's w/uncle, home to relax. Talk w/uncles until wee hours.
Day 9. Quick breakfast, hit the road for Grand Rapids. Meet up w/ MARIIIIIIIIIIII for excellent lunch, then thrift store madness. Ask her about her new Shania Twain coat, for serious. Stupendous (of course) dinner chez Mari, meet-up w/Dudebro. Adorable cat Sphinx!! Sleeeeeep.
Day 10. Diner breakfast. Hit the road. I convince husband to just go home. Lunch was in ... Hmm. Don't recall. Dinner was Thai food in Scranton. Arrival home? 10:30 pm. Adorable cats? MINE.
Now who's boring? Apologies to anyone in the previously mentioned locations that we failed to see ... there was not a whole lot of time spent anywhere, but it was fantastic to see friends and family, some not seen for upwards of 2 years, and to be a part of a wonderful wedding.
Day 1. Drive from Danbury, CT to Ann Arbor, MI. Yeah, you're reading that right. 12 hours. After about a 30 minute break at the home of friends Jen & Erik (and adorable cats Mariane and Amelia) we head over to Detroit to watch the Tigers kick the crap out of the Twins. Ugh. At least the Twins had the last laugh...
Day 2. Pancakes w/Jen & Erik. Brief look around UMich campus, culminating in lunch w/Jen T. and a friend of hers. We hit the road for Chicago, where we have a really fabulous dinner w/friends Matt and Melissa, then proceed to sit up and talk baseball into the wee hours. Adorable cat is Emmy.
Day 3. Apple pancake (yummm) at M&M's ... celebratory mood, as Matt is celebrating a birthday AND passing the bar! Into the car, headed to Stillwater, MN, home base of the Kleins. Dinner with Mother-in-Law. I realize that homes I've stayed in more than once, occupied by family, really start to feel like home after a while. Adorable cats Maya, Beatrix, and Claire.
Day 4. Head north to Two Harbors and "The North Shore" for the main event of this trip, the wedding of Matt and Jessica! Large group of friends all staying in a lodge for the weekend = extremely fun times. Highlights include Gooseberry Falls in the rain, post-barbecue bonfire, Jones D&D themed sodas, copious amounts of beer, friends galore!
Day 5. Sleep in. Huge breakfast with a crowd. Lovely walk along the shore of Lake Superior. Wedding! The sun came out, ceremony was lovely, celebration a total success. Matt & Jess know how to throw a party. No adorable cat.
Day 6. Up early, driving back to Chicago for a stay with husband's uncle John and aunt Marti. Lovely people. Another house that feels like home. Greek food, yum. No adorable cat.
Day 7. Up for diner breakfast w/John, drive to Indianapolis. Brief stop in sports bar to watch (early and boring) part of Twins/Tigers tie-breaker. Dinner at YAT'S (chili cheese etoufee FTW!!) with CORINNE AND LEILI! "Home" again to my uncles' Rich and Jim's. Twins WIN? Awesome. Adorable cat Tucker and awesome, awesome poochie Max.
Day 8. Bloomington for a brief walk-around and a pancake at the Deli. Pancake and Pax II as good as remembered. Bask in Twins' win. See various people : Robert, SLIS folk, Andrew and Zander, Scotty, Leili and various fencing types. No Sammy K. :( Back to Indy for dinner at Bazbeaux's w/uncle, home to relax. Talk w/uncles until wee hours.
Day 9. Quick breakfast, hit the road for Grand Rapids. Meet up w/ MARIIIIIIIIIIII for excellent lunch, then thrift store madness. Ask her about her new Shania Twain coat, for serious. Stupendous (of course) dinner chez Mari, meet-up w/Dudebro. Adorable cat Sphinx!! Sleeeeeep.
Day 10. Diner breakfast. Hit the road. I convince husband to just go home. Lunch was in ... Hmm. Don't recall. Dinner was Thai food in Scranton. Arrival home? 10:30 pm. Adorable cats? MINE.
Now who's boring? Apologies to anyone in the previously mentioned locations that we failed to see ... there was not a whole lot of time spent anywhere, but it was fantastic to see friends and family, some not seen for upwards of 2 years, and to be a part of a wonderful wedding.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Wednesday, September 09, 2009
Too young to be heroes, too old to play April Fools'...
Otherwise known as Hip, part II. When last we discussed this particular subject, I had decided to ignore it for the present. Well, I got a little tired of that, so I looked around online and I tried another orthopedic doctor ... one that has actually specialized in research on arthritis, etc. in younger patients. He looks at my MRI scans and does some slightly different X-rays, and declares that I am suffering from hip dysplasia, which basically means that my bones don't fit together properly. As a result, arthritis! We decide, of course, on a cortisone injection. Well, tried that. The shot sucked, the hip hurt in a variety of new and interesting ways for a week afterward, and then it sort of settled back down into normalcy. We're talking my hip's brand of normal, here, which means it still hurts. I suppose on average it hurts a little less, but I am definitely not living pain-free.
So, in the follow-up, doc says that basically, if pain management doesn't work, replace it! Ack. I am also supposed to look into a truly terrifying procedure that involves cutting my bones and trying to fit them back together properly. Seriously, I can't even think about that without bursting into nervous and slightly hysterical laughter. Anyway, my doctor doesn't think that it is an option for me since I am already suffering from arthritis, but he wants me to go get looked at by a specialist anyway. Still need to schedule that...
So. I'm sort of back to ignoring/waiting it out. I don't want to have a hip replacement right now. I guess I'd like to wait as long as possible. Generally, it seems that I will reach a point where I just can't take it anymore, so I guess I'm going to wait 'til I get there. We'll see. I can't really say that I'm dealing with this brilliantly ... I get pretty ticked off sometimes, you know, sort of a "why me?" reaction, or just annoyed that this is happening now, when I'm thirty-four, instead of sixty. But, what can you do? I've altered my workouts and fencing habits as much as I am willing, I take ibuprofin or whatever (only seems to work a little sometimes), and I have a big ice pack that covers my whole hip with which I am in love. That'll have to do for now. I'm waiting until I literally "can't get out of bed".
*Title from "Give In" by Tina Dico
So, in the follow-up, doc says that basically, if pain management doesn't work, replace it! Ack. I am also supposed to look into a truly terrifying procedure that involves cutting my bones and trying to fit them back together properly. Seriously, I can't even think about that without bursting into nervous and slightly hysterical laughter. Anyway, my doctor doesn't think that it is an option for me since I am already suffering from arthritis, but he wants me to go get looked at by a specialist anyway. Still need to schedule that...
So. I'm sort of back to ignoring/waiting it out. I don't want to have a hip replacement right now. I guess I'd like to wait as long as possible. Generally, it seems that I will reach a point where I just can't take it anymore, so I guess I'm going to wait 'til I get there. We'll see. I can't really say that I'm dealing with this brilliantly ... I get pretty ticked off sometimes, you know, sort of a "why me?" reaction, or just annoyed that this is happening now, when I'm thirty-four, instead of sixty. But, what can you do? I've altered my workouts and fencing habits as much as I am willing, I take ibuprofin or whatever (only seems to work a little sometimes), and I have a big ice pack that covers my whole hip with which I am in love. That'll have to do for now. I'm waiting until I literally "can't get out of bed".
*Title from "Give In" by Tina Dico
Friday, August 14, 2009
Open letter 3
Dear Lady GaGa-
Madonna's already done pretty much everything you're doing, and somehow, it looked less silly on her.
Kisses,
S
Madonna's already done pretty much everything you're doing, and somehow, it looked less silly on her.
Kisses,
S
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Loss
death isolation
futility alone
i am by myself here
you've left
and now the life
has run
away from the light
and happiness
is a shadow
dark and ugly
and
i feel that you
were stupid to go
you didn't know
the love you had
and left behind
for want of attention
that was already there
and left us all
to love you now
that you are gone
and your spirit is left
to carry your memory
alone
JCS, 8/13/1977-8/21/1991
Friday, August 07, 2009
Tournament
IQ is no problem here
We won't be playing Scrabble for her hand I fear
I need that beer ~ "Seven Days," Sting
I was listening to Ten Summoner's Tales yesterday, and when this line was sung, I thought (and maybe said aloud, alone in my car) "Oh, they would totally be playing Scrabble for my hand." And that got me to thinking ... what if we found our mates via tournament? What sort of competition(s) would you have in order to select the person you wanted to spend your time with? Here's what I came up with ...
It would have to be a multi-part tournament, with a bunch of different, smaller competitions, and a total score to determine the winner in the end. Probably not Scrabble, but maybe Trivial Pursuit, for one of the rounds. I had trouble with an athletic component ... I'm thinking maybe some type of obstacle course that would serve as an equalizer for men with various/different athletic abilities. Definitely a talent portion that could involve any type of performance skill. Maaaybe a stand-up comedy routine? And finally, (this would be the hard one) some type of teamwork assignment for all competitors as a group, designed to determine things harder to fathom personality-wise, you know, ability to work in a group, selflessness, leadership qualities, quick thinking, resourcefulness, etc. Obviously, that's a rough overview, but really, I think it could work. Obviously if someone were not a brilliant athlete, they could make up in other areas, like intellect and talent, and just generally being a good person ... like my husband, who is probably glad he didn't have to go through an obstacle course in order to win my hand.
We won't be playing Scrabble for her hand I fear
I need that beer ~ "Seven Days," Sting
I was listening to Ten Summoner's Tales yesterday, and when this line was sung, I thought (and maybe said aloud, alone in my car) "Oh, they would totally be playing Scrabble for my hand." And that got me to thinking ... what if we found our mates via tournament? What sort of competition(s) would you have in order to select the person you wanted to spend your time with? Here's what I came up with ...
It would have to be a multi-part tournament, with a bunch of different, smaller competitions, and a total score to determine the winner in the end. Probably not Scrabble, but maybe Trivial Pursuit, for one of the rounds. I had trouble with an athletic component ... I'm thinking maybe some type of obstacle course that would serve as an equalizer for men with various/different athletic abilities. Definitely a talent portion that could involve any type of performance skill. Maaaybe a stand-up comedy routine? And finally, (this would be the hard one) some type of teamwork assignment for all competitors as a group, designed to determine things harder to fathom personality-wise, you know, ability to work in a group, selflessness, leadership qualities, quick thinking, resourcefulness, etc. Obviously, that's a rough overview, but really, I think it could work. Obviously if someone were not a brilliant athlete, they could make up in other areas, like intellect and talent, and just generally being a good person ... like my husband, who is probably glad he didn't have to go through an obstacle course in order to win my hand.
Monday, August 03, 2009
Open letter, part II
Dear citizens of the United States -
In case you hadn't noticed, we are (still) in something of an economic crisis. Even if you don't "believe" in it, we are also in the midst of an environmental crisis. This word, "crisis," pretty much means that we (and our government) all have to do things that we might not like. You know, like paying more taxes. Suck it the hell up and learn how to share. Maybe we should all go back to kindergarten?
Disgustedly,
Samantha
In case you hadn't noticed, we are (still) in something of an economic crisis. Even if you don't "believe" in it, we are also in the midst of an environmental crisis. This word, "crisis," pretty much means that we (and our government) all have to do things that we might not like. You know, like paying more taxes. Suck it the hell up and learn how to share. Maybe we should all go back to kindergarten?
Disgustedly,
Samantha
Expertise
Do you ever think about the mundane little things that you do with great capability during the day? The really, really simple things, like buttering your toast or even something that requires a certain amount of skill, like driving a car? We do those things with ease and confidence. We don't even think about them at all. What if we could apply that same sense to the things about which we worry, like our jobs, or a sport, or a performance? Is that how "professionals" do it?
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Compare and contrast
Now see, this is why I still like Russell Crowe better than Robert Downey, Jr. and why I think Crowe's a better actor. His next announced role will be in a drama directed by Paul Haggis entitled Next Three Days. Robert Downey, Jr., on the other hand, will next appear in Due Date, directed by "that guy who did Old School and The Hangover", and co-starring Zach Galifianakis. Sigh.
Sure, RDJ will make more money. And some say comedy is harder than drama. But still ... I am not a big fan of drama in general, but I hate, hate the "new comedy" a la Apatow, et al. C'mon, man. You're a really good actor. Show it instead of making with the paydays.
Sure, RDJ will make more money. And some say comedy is harder than drama. But still ... I am not a big fan of drama in general, but I hate, hate the "new comedy" a la Apatow, et al. C'mon, man. You're a really good actor. Show it instead of making with the paydays.
Friday, July 10, 2009
Rant?
I very sincerely believe that everyone - individuals, governments, everyone- needs to use their brains to think intelligently and rationally, with moderation, perspective, and a lack of personal bias. I am so incredibly tired of listening to people complain about what the government's doing because they are losing jobs/money/etc. or to governments (or pieces of individual governments) bicker amongst themselves because they think someone else should make the concession, or to people rant and rave about things about which they either have no cold, hard, facts or refuse to believe the cold hard facts presented to them. Why hasn't the economy turned around yet? Because it takes years to dig into a hole, therefore it will take years to dig out. This is not rocket science. The NY Senate gets no work done for a full month because they can't agree about who's in control. Gee, thanks, guys. Way to do what the people hired you to do. The various countries of the world want to argue about who should do more to clean up the environment instead of actually cleaning up the environment. For god's sake. Get over yourselves. Think about someone else for a change. If not your neighbor, then your kids. Grandkids. Whatever.
No-one is exempt. Me included. I'm just so disgusted with humanity in general these days. My inclination when I got into the car this morning was not to listen to NPR. Should've gone with my gut.
No-one is exempt. Me included. I'm just so disgusted with humanity in general these days. My inclination when I got into the car this morning was not to listen to NPR. Should've gone with my gut.
Tuesday, July 07, 2009
Growing old
So, way back when, I solicited topics for further discussion. One request was to "hear more about the hip". Since it's possible that there are readers (hey, anything's possible) who know nothing about this, I'll try to start from the beginning.
I guess for a couple of years now, I've started having pain in my right hip. As is my tendency, I ignored it for a long while. Knees hurt, hip hurt, whatever, no big deal. Well, the pain started to get worse ... not in a particularly incapacitating sort of way, but just in an "wow, maybe I shouldn't have fenced that last bout" kind of way. It hurt a lot if I was out walking for any extended period of time, or if I was out in cold weather. And, since I am currently gainfully employed with insurance benefits, I decided that maybe it was time for it to get looked at.
I went to see an orthopedist, who poked and prodded a bit. Of course, it behaved perfectly. They took x-rays. Everything looked normal. Next step, MRI. But not just any old MRI -- one with an arthrogram, which means injecting a contrast solution into the hip joint so that those bits show up clearer. I do not recommend this activity. The MRI itself wasn't as bad as I feared (apparently, I am not claustrophobic), but that damn shot was painful, and my hip hurt for about a week afterward. It didn't help that they managed to hit a nerve while they were in there, I imagine.
What the MRI told us is that I have "lost" a good bit of the cartilage that ought to be padding my hip joint. We are all bewildered as to how that happened. The doctors (I ended up seeing a second one, as well) keep asking if there's been any sort of trauma or injury. There hasn't. I am apparently too young for a hip replacement, and one of the doctors actually said "this isn't the kind of thing we do a replacement for." However, there's not really a fix. I got a lot of noise about pain management...but I decided that a steady regimen of Aleve and/or cortisone shots don't really appeal to me at this point in my life, for various reasons. One doctor said physical therapy wouldn't really help, the other said it might, so I might look into that at a later point.
For now, I'm just limping along. I'm sort of learning what sets it off and what doesn't ... unfortunately, exercising 6 days a week seems to be problematic. It was pointed out to me that loss of cartilage with resulting bone contact, inflammation, and pain is essentially arthritis. So, I've got an arthritic hip at the age of 33. Apparently, that's fairly unusual for someone under the age of 65. But what can you do? It's not as though I can do something that will bring about the return of that cartilage. I plan on just keeping on and seeing what happens later. I might go back to another orthopedist at some point, just to see if they have anything different to say. And maybe, when I'm old enough, they'll replace the sucker. I have to admit, I'm kind of hoping for that. I totally want to be that 50 year old vet fencer with the bionic hip.
I guess for a couple of years now, I've started having pain in my right hip. As is my tendency, I ignored it for a long while. Knees hurt, hip hurt, whatever, no big deal. Well, the pain started to get worse ... not in a particularly incapacitating sort of way, but just in an "wow, maybe I shouldn't have fenced that last bout" kind of way. It hurt a lot if I was out walking for any extended period of time, or if I was out in cold weather. And, since I am currently gainfully employed with insurance benefits, I decided that maybe it was time for it to get looked at.
I went to see an orthopedist, who poked and prodded a bit. Of course, it behaved perfectly. They took x-rays. Everything looked normal. Next step, MRI. But not just any old MRI -- one with an arthrogram, which means injecting a contrast solution into the hip joint so that those bits show up clearer. I do not recommend this activity. The MRI itself wasn't as bad as I feared (apparently, I am not claustrophobic), but that damn shot was painful, and my hip hurt for about a week afterward. It didn't help that they managed to hit a nerve while they were in there, I imagine.
What the MRI told us is that I have "lost" a good bit of the cartilage that ought to be padding my hip joint. We are all bewildered as to how that happened. The doctors (I ended up seeing a second one, as well) keep asking if there's been any sort of trauma or injury. There hasn't. I am apparently too young for a hip replacement, and one of the doctors actually said "this isn't the kind of thing we do a replacement for." However, there's not really a fix. I got a lot of noise about pain management...but I decided that a steady regimen of Aleve and/or cortisone shots don't really appeal to me at this point in my life, for various reasons. One doctor said physical therapy wouldn't really help, the other said it might, so I might look into that at a later point.
For now, I'm just limping along. I'm sort of learning what sets it off and what doesn't ... unfortunately, exercising 6 days a week seems to be problematic. It was pointed out to me that loss of cartilage with resulting bone contact, inflammation, and pain is essentially arthritis. So, I've got an arthritic hip at the age of 33. Apparently, that's fairly unusual for someone under the age of 65. But what can you do? It's not as though I can do something that will bring about the return of that cartilage. I plan on just keeping on and seeing what happens later. I might go back to another orthopedist at some point, just to see if they have anything different to say. And maybe, when I'm old enough, they'll replace the sucker. I have to admit, I'm kind of hoping for that. I totally want to be that 50 year old vet fencer with the bionic hip.
Thursday, July 02, 2009
The Poet Lovers - Eugene Field
Completely charmed by this poem I just found ... it's the final piece in a book I'm processing.
In some cases, it helps if you speak it aloud. I think my favorite line is Speak not at Talbot give some sign,/However Smollet be.
In some cases, it helps if you speak it aloud. I think my favorite line is Speak not at Talbot give some sign,/However Smollet be.
Monday, June 22, 2009
The art of being grown-up
Went to a conference. Ashamed of feeling like a kid, along for the ride. Everyone's so serious and intellectual, and I just don't know how to be that way. I'm not really 100% convinced that I have the desire ... I'm lazy. I do know that I meet incredible people who leave me with the desperate need to be impressive. But really, I just have more interest in life itself than in any particular aspect. I've never been able to devote my whole mind, body, and being to a single subject. Is that a bad thing? There are plenty of people out there who contribute, right, without being the world-changers? Do the people they admire still think highly of them, just as human beings, or are they merely disappointed?
...Rather, does one really have to be defined by one's career? Motivated, inspired, intrigued, yet confused, desirous, lost.
...Rather, does one really have to be defined by one's career? Motivated, inspired, intrigued, yet confused, desirous, lost.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Things on my afternoon walk downtown that made me smile
*This on my iPod.
*Tulips!
*People jogging.
*A gentleman carrying a Chico Bag.
*An elderly woman who reminded me somehow of my grandmother.
*The building with the "Danbury Police Community Services Building" sign. Aren't the police, by definition, entirely "community services"?
*The boy in CVS who attempted to chat me up by remarking on the amount of cat hair on my fleece jacket.
*The business employee out in front of his store watering the shrubbery ... with a little silver watering can.
*The clock sticking out of the side of the building (that did not say four of two).
*Did I mention the tulips? I love tulips.
*Tulips!
*People jogging.
*A gentleman carrying a Chico Bag.
*An elderly woman who reminded me somehow of my grandmother.
*The building with the "Danbury Police Community Services Building" sign. Aren't the police, by definition, entirely "community services"?
*The boy in CVS who attempted to chat me up by remarking on the amount of cat hair on my fleece jacket.
*The business employee out in front of his store watering the shrubbery ... with a little silver watering can.
*The clock sticking out of the side of the building (that did not say four of two).
*Did I mention the tulips? I love tulips.
Friday, April 24, 2009
Oh, hello
Dear me. I've said nothing interesting in a while. Perhaps ever. Um...I shall now attempt to list the things that have occupied my brainspace for the past few weeks:
*vacations
*hiking
*nature
*torture
*politics
*Russell Crowe
*Anna Karenina (Yes! I am reading a Russian novel, and I am enjoying it!)
*cataloging
*Charles Dickens
*SPRING
*children and child-rearing
*singing (Starting to miss it)
*the future
*aging/dying/depressing things
*I, Claudius (Mostly the identification of random British actors whilst watching crazy Roman people do crazy, crazy things. Oh, Caligula.)
*thinking more deeply about a subject before I mouth off about it (You know, actually using my brain?)
*clothes/style
*fencing, my effing hip, and physical fitness in general
...Hmm. Maybe some time soon I'll have something that I feel is worthy to say, again. Maybe. I mean, just look at that list. It is fraught with potential subjects for deep and meaningful blogging, isn't it? Anything in particular I should pontificate upon, theoretic readers?
*vacations
*hiking
*nature
*torture
*politics
*Russell Crowe
*Anna Karenina (Yes! I am reading a Russian novel, and I am enjoying it!)
*cataloging
*Charles Dickens
*SPRING
*children and child-rearing
*singing (Starting to miss it)
*the future
*aging/dying/depressing things
*I, Claudius (Mostly the identification of random British actors whilst watching crazy Roman people do crazy, crazy things. Oh, Caligula.)
*thinking more deeply about a subject before I mouth off about it (You know, actually using my brain?)
*clothes/style
*fencing, my effing hip, and physical fitness in general
...Hmm. Maybe some time soon I'll have something that I feel is worthy to say, again. Maybe. I mean, just look at that list. It is fraught with potential subjects for deep and meaningful blogging, isn't it? Anything in particular I should pontificate upon, theoretic readers?
Sunday, April 12, 2009
The Ugly Truth
I totally want to see this movie. I generally enjoy rom-coms, and my love for Gerard Butler is well-documented ... although I kind of can't stand Katherine Heigl. What is interesting to me about this movie, though, is that so far we've got two trailers, and I don't think that fully follow the usual formula for rom-com trailers. Boy and girl meet. Boy and girl hate each other. Boy/Girl is interested in other Boy/Girl. Ultimately, Boy/Girl and second Boy/Girl doesn't work out, and original Boy/Girl realize that they're perfect for each other. And usually the trailer reflects that. In this case, however, we get only marginal hints that maaaybe Boy is realizing he really likes Girl, but no indication that Girl is interested in Boy, or that second Boy is going to turn out to be a total jerk. Now, I don't doubt for a second that this is how the movie is actually going to play out, but I think it's interesting that they're withholding this in the trailers. Brilliant marketing, really, since you might go see it just to see if they actually do something different.
Or maybe I'm just continually looking for excuses to go see it. Y'know, aside from the fact that Gerard Butler is totally going to be my second husband. ;)
**Don't feel like posting links to trailers. You can look 'em up if you're interested.
Or maybe I'm just continually looking for excuses to go see it. Y'know, aside from the fact that Gerard Butler is totally going to be my second husband. ;)
**Don't feel like posting links to trailers. You can look 'em up if you're interested.
Monday, February 23, 2009
An open letter
To teenaged girls (yes, I know, there are none reading this blog) everywhere:
See this?
That's Dev Patel. He was in that movie, Slumdog Millionaire. No, not the one about emo vampires ... the one that won 8 Oscars last night. Yeah. Anyway. Look at him! He is young, and adorable, and British, but with a nice exotic twist. He looks clean and alert and seems to be unfailingly polite. So cute! So charming! I really fail to understand why you are not all screaming and swooning over him instead of
Robert Pattinson, who says really weird things in interviews, seems to have an aversion to even the most rudimentary of hair styling tools or products, and really just looks stoned most of the time.
Can we work on that? Seriously, I think you'll thank me as time goes by and you get a little older. Kthxbye!
See this?
That's Dev Patel. He was in that movie, Slumdog Millionaire. No, not the one about emo vampires ... the one that won 8 Oscars last night. Yeah. Anyway. Look at him! He is young, and adorable, and British, but with a nice exotic twist. He looks clean and alert and seems to be unfailingly polite. So cute! So charming! I really fail to understand why you are not all screaming and swooning over him instead of
Robert Pattinson, who says really weird things in interviews, seems to have an aversion to even the most rudimentary of hair styling tools or products, and really just looks stoned most of the time.
Can we work on that? Seriously, I think you'll thank me as time goes by and you get a little older. Kthxbye!
Friday, January 23, 2009
Crosswords + Chickweed = win.
Awesome. Means "to kiss", btw. I'm seriously going to be using that word whenever possible.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
GOOP
Hi. My name is Samantha, and I like GOOP. Just in case there's anyone reading this (who doesn't know what GOOP is), I will explain. GOOP is, more or less, the blog of Gwyneth Paltrow, in which she offers recommendations on the following: Food to make, places to go, things to see and do, things to buy, and ways to make one's life better. The website has many detractors, even in terms of the bigger guns, like E!Online, which never misses an opportunity to mock this website. But you know what? I think it's pretty cool. I get all the snarky comments about how she thinks she's the next Martha Stewart, or she seems to forget that she is a ridiculously rich person and therefore has different taste/ideas about what is affordable than us average Janes, or that it's just so holier-than-thou. And to those comments, I choose to reply with an idea that is becoming really important to me as I grow: Learn from whatever source you can. Are her recommendations sometimes expensive, or snooty, or just plain ridiculous (I'm looking at you, detox diets)? Sure. But sometimes, they're good! I like her notion of layering outfits by starting with basic pieces that can be added to depending on the occasion. We actually tried two of her recipes for our Thanksgiving dinner, and they were really good! And she's got a workout video posted that was done by her trainer, who also trains Madonna. Now, sure, this trainer probably charges astronomically for a private session, but who am I to look askance at a free workout video? Might I remind you that both Gwyneth Paltrow and Madonna, while sometimes scarily so in the latter's case, are both in really good shape?
I'm not saying that anyone should follow Gwyneth Paltrow's (or anyone else's, for that matter) ideas about how to live life wholly or to the letter ... you should come up with your own. But the best way I know to do that is to borrow shamelessly from other people when you think they have a good idea. And so, I will avoid detox diets and overpriced Christmas gifts, but I will enjoy the use of black leggings as a basis for getting dressed in the morning, and roasted brussels sprouts and a really good salad dressing, and positive recommendation on a great sushi restaurant in NYC, and glowing praise for a book I've been meaning to read, and I think my life will be better for it. If others choose to miss out because they think they're being condescended to by Pepper Potts, well, that's their choice. Me, I'll take tips on life from wherever they come. Even if the name "GOOP" is pretty freakin' stupid.
I'm not saying that anyone should follow Gwyneth Paltrow's (or anyone else's, for that matter) ideas about how to live life wholly or to the letter ... you should come up with your own. But the best way I know to do that is to borrow shamelessly from other people when you think they have a good idea. And so, I will avoid detox diets and overpriced Christmas gifts, but I will enjoy the use of black leggings as a basis for getting dressed in the morning, and roasted brussels sprouts and a really good salad dressing, and positive recommendation on a great sushi restaurant in NYC, and glowing praise for a book I've been meaning to read, and I think my life will be better for it. If others choose to miss out because they think they're being condescended to by Pepper Potts, well, that's their choice. Me, I'll take tips on life from wherever they come. Even if the name "GOOP" is pretty freakin' stupid.
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Social networking?
You know, Facebook is kind of sad when you were never the popular kid. There are lots of people from my past that I remember fondly, and it's always exciting to find them on some website, to see what they've been up to and what they look like now. I'm happy to see them. I like to talk to them, hear how they've been, and all of that. And that's great.
I've come to realize, however, that such "relationships" leave me cold. This is unsurprising, and probably not unusual, but I think it goes deeper than that. Because I spend (too much) time on things like Facebook, I see the interactions that my friends have with their friends. They're all so excited to see each other! And they go into immediate reminiscences, and they often call each other to catch up, and maybe even meet up. And I guess what I realize is that I have always been on the periphery.
I was never the popular kid. In grade school, I was the antithesis of the popular kid. In high school and college, I thought that I fit in more, but I guess people still held me at arm's length. There are no "Hey, remember when"s and "I was just talking about you"s and "Call me, let's get together"s. There are certainly practical reasons for that, most notably the fact that I live nowhere near most of these people. And I admit that there are some people I never knew that well due to my own disinterest or some other reason. But ultimately ... I think of the quote from the film version of Sense & Sensibility when Willoughby says of Brandon that he is the sort of person that "everyone thinks highly of, but no-one remembers to talk to".
I think that I am just a person that people encountered on the way rather than someone they remember fondly or wish to reconnect with. I'm just that girl, the little one that everyone picked on, or the one who dressed funny and didn't wear shoes, or the one who showed up at lots of fencing tournaments. I suppose that I shouldn't complain, as there are most likely a whole slew of people that nobody remembers at all. But it makes me sad. What people don't realize about me is that all I have ever wanted in my life was to fit in somewhere. Be normal. One of them. But I was somehow always the unusual one, and the more people treated me as such, the more I suppose it came true.
There's worse, though, and that's the people that I realize want largely nothing to do with me, and some who I know don't even like me anymore. It makes me realize that I must've done something, or been someone that they didn't like or that made them unhappy. I suppose some have just moved on and don't care one way or the other.
At the bottom of it, though, is that same little girl who never uttered a word and never cried, but who only wanted to be included and loved. I still try so hard, maybe too hard, to make people happy or make them like me or just make them feel good because I like making people feel happy. I do it freely, yes; but doesn't every one want something in return? I remind myself to look for that love and acceptance from the few close friends I do have, from my husband, from myself ... but I don't think I ever got over not having it from the people I grew up with, and I wonder if I will ever stop looking for it now.
I've come to realize, however, that such "relationships" leave me cold. This is unsurprising, and probably not unusual, but I think it goes deeper than that. Because I spend (too much) time on things like Facebook, I see the interactions that my friends have with their friends. They're all so excited to see each other! And they go into immediate reminiscences, and they often call each other to catch up, and maybe even meet up. And I guess what I realize is that I have always been on the periphery.
I was never the popular kid. In grade school, I was the antithesis of the popular kid. In high school and college, I thought that I fit in more, but I guess people still held me at arm's length. There are no "Hey, remember when"s and "I was just talking about you"s and "Call me, let's get together"s. There are certainly practical reasons for that, most notably the fact that I live nowhere near most of these people. And I admit that there are some people I never knew that well due to my own disinterest or some other reason. But ultimately ... I think of the quote from the film version of Sense & Sensibility when Willoughby says of Brandon that he is the sort of person that "everyone thinks highly of, but no-one remembers to talk to".
I think that I am just a person that people encountered on the way rather than someone they remember fondly or wish to reconnect with. I'm just that girl, the little one that everyone picked on, or the one who dressed funny and didn't wear shoes, or the one who showed up at lots of fencing tournaments. I suppose that I shouldn't complain, as there are most likely a whole slew of people that nobody remembers at all. But it makes me sad. What people don't realize about me is that all I have ever wanted in my life was to fit in somewhere. Be normal. One of them. But I was somehow always the unusual one, and the more people treated me as such, the more I suppose it came true.
There's worse, though, and that's the people that I realize want largely nothing to do with me, and some who I know don't even like me anymore. It makes me realize that I must've done something, or been someone that they didn't like or that made them unhappy. I suppose some have just moved on and don't care one way or the other.
At the bottom of it, though, is that same little girl who never uttered a word and never cried, but who only wanted to be included and loved. I still try so hard, maybe too hard, to make people happy or make them like me or just make them feel good because I like making people feel happy. I do it freely, yes; but doesn't every one want something in return? I remind myself to look for that love and acceptance from the few close friends I do have, from my husband, from myself ... but I don't think I ever got over not having it from the people I grew up with, and I wonder if I will ever stop looking for it now.
Thursday, January 01, 2009
Words looked up today:
Be excellent
My "New Year's Resolution" can be summed up in this way : I'm going to be nice to myself. To elaborate only slightly, my hope is to stop and think about my actions, and whether or not they're going to enhance/make better, or be harmful. Reasonably appropriate on the heels of a teensy bit of celebratory excess ringing in the New Year. Let the improvement begin?
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