Rude awakening

What if one is, in fact, living up to one's potential?

Too young to be heroes, too old to play April Fools'...

Otherwise known as Hip, part II. When last we discussed this particular subject, I had decided to ignore it for the present. Well, I got a little tired of that, so I looked around online and I tried another orthopedic doctor ... one that has actually specialized in research on arthritis, etc. in younger patients. He looks at my MRI scans and does some slightly different X-rays, and declares that I am suffering from hip dysplasia, which basically means that my bones don't fit together properly. As a result, arthritis! We decide, of course, on a cortisone injection. Well, tried that. The shot sucked, the hip hurt in a variety of new and interesting ways for a week afterward, and then it sort of settled back down into normalcy. We're talking my hip's brand of normal, here, which means it still hurts. I suppose on average it hurts a little less, but I am definitely not living pain-free.

So, in the follow-up, doc says that basically, if pain management doesn't work, replace it! Ack. I am also supposed to look into a truly terrifying procedure that involves cutting my bones and trying to fit them back together properly. Seriously, I can't even think about that without bursting into nervous and slightly hysterical laughter. Anyway, my doctor doesn't think that it is an option for me since I am already suffering from arthritis, but he wants me to go get looked at by a specialist anyway. Still need to schedule that...

So. I'm sort of back to ignoring/waiting it out. I don't want to have a hip replacement right now. I guess I'd like to wait as long as possible. Generally, it seems that I will reach a point where I just can't take it anymore, so I guess I'm going to wait 'til I get there. We'll see. I can't really say that I'm dealing with this brilliantly ... I get pretty ticked off sometimes, you know, sort of a "why me?" reaction, or just annoyed that this is happening now, when I'm thirty-four, instead of sixty. But, what can you do? I've altered my workouts and fencing habits as much as I am willing, I take ibuprofin or whatever (only seems to work a little sometimes), and I have a big ice pack that covers my whole hip with which I am in love. That'll have to do for now. I'm waiting until I literally "can't get out of bed".

*Title from "Give In" by Tina Dico

Open letter 3

Dear Lady GaGa-

Madonna's already done pretty much everything you're doing, and somehow, it looked less silly on her.

Kisses,

S

Loss

death isolation
futility alone
i am by myself here
you've left
and now the life
has run
away from the light
and happiness
is a shadow
dark and ugly
and
i feel that you
were stupid to go

you didn't know
the love you had
and left behind
for want of attention
that was already there
and left us all
to love you now
that you are gone
and your spirit is left
to carry your memory
alone

JCS, 8/13/1977-8/21/1991

Tournament

IQ is no problem here
We won't be playing Scrabble for her hand I fear
I need that beer ~ "Seven Days," Sting

I was listening to Ten Summoner's Tales yesterday, and when this line was sung, I thought (and maybe said aloud, alone in my car) "Oh, they would totally be playing Scrabble for my hand." And that got me to thinking ... what if we found our mates via tournament? What sort of competition(s) would you have in order to select the person you wanted to spend your time with? Here's what I came up with ...

It would have to be a multi-part tournament, with a bunch of different, smaller competitions, and a total score to determine the winner in the end. Probably not Scrabble, but maybe Trivial Pursuit, for one of the rounds. I had trouble with an athletic component ... I'm thinking maybe some type of obstacle course that would serve as an equalizer for men with various/different athletic abilities. Definitely a talent portion that could involve any type of performance skill. Maaaybe a stand-up comedy routine? And finally, (this would be the hard one) some type of teamwork assignment for all competitors as a group, designed to determine things harder to fathom personality-wise, you know, ability to work in a group, selflessness, leadership qualities, quick thinking, resourcefulness, etc. Obviously, that's a rough overview, but really, I think it could work. Obviously if someone were not a brilliant athlete, they could make up in other areas, like intellect and talent, and just generally being a good person ... like my husband, who is probably glad he didn't have to go through an obstacle course in order to win my hand.

Open letter, part II

Dear citizens of the United States -

In case you hadn't noticed, we are (still) in something of an economic crisis. Even if you don't "believe" in it, we are also in the midst of an environmental crisis. This word, "crisis," pretty much means that we (and our government) all have to do things that we might not like. You know, like paying more taxes. Suck it the hell up and learn how to share. Maybe we should all go back to kindergarten?

Disgustedly,

Samantha

Expertise

Do you ever think about the mundane little things that you do with great capability during the day? The really, really simple things, like buttering your toast or even something that requires a certain amount of skill, like driving a car? We do those things with ease and confidence. We don't even think about them at all. What if we could apply that same sense to the things about which we worry, like our jobs, or a sport, or a performance? Is that how "professionals" do it?

Compare and contrast

Now see, this is why I still like Russell Crowe better than Robert Downey, Jr. and why I think Crowe's a better actor. His next announced role will be in a drama directed by Paul Haggis entitled Next Three Days. Robert Downey, Jr., on the other hand, will next appear in Due Date, directed by "that guy who did Old School and The Hangover", and co-starring Zach Galifianakis. Sigh.

Sure, RDJ will make more money. And some say comedy is harder than drama. But still ... I am not a big fan of drama in general, but I hate, hate the "new comedy" a la Apatow, et al. C'mon, man. You're a really good actor. Show it instead of making with the paydays.

Rant?

I very sincerely believe that everyone - individuals, governments, everyone- needs to use their brains to think intelligently and rationally, with moderation, perspective, and a lack of personal bias. I am so incredibly tired of listening to people complain about what the government's doing because they are losing jobs/money/etc. or to governments (or pieces of individual governments) bicker amongst themselves because they think someone else should make the concession, or to people rant and rave about things about which they either have no cold, hard, facts or refuse to believe the cold hard facts presented to them. Why hasn't the economy turned around yet? Because it takes years to dig into a hole, therefore it will take years to dig out. This is not rocket science. The NY Senate gets no work done for a full month because they can't agree about who's in control. Gee, thanks, guys. Way to do what the people hired you to do. The various countries of the world want to argue about who should do more to clean up the environment instead of actually cleaning up the environment. For god's sake. Get over yourselves. Think about someone else for a change. If not your neighbor, then your kids. Grandkids. Whatever.

No-one is exempt. Me included. I'm just so disgusted with humanity in general these days. My inclination when I got into the car this morning was not to listen to NPR. Should've gone with my gut.

Growing old

So, way back when, I solicited topics for further discussion. One request was to "hear more about the hip". Since it's possible that there are readers (hey, anything's possible) who know nothing about this, I'll try to start from the beginning.

I guess for a couple of years now, I've started having pain in my right hip. As is my tendency, I ignored it for a long while. Knees hurt, hip hurt, whatever, no big deal. Well, the pain started to get worse ... not in a particularly incapacitating sort of way, but just in an "wow, maybe I shouldn't have fenced that last bout" kind of way. It hurt a lot if I was out walking for any extended period of time, or if I was out in cold weather. And, since I am currently gainfully employed with insurance benefits, I decided that maybe it was time for it to get looked at.

I went to see an orthopedist, who poked and prodded a bit. Of course, it behaved perfectly. They took x-rays. Everything looked normal. Next step, MRI. But not just any old MRI -- one with an arthrogram, which means injecting a contrast solution into the hip joint so that those bits show up clearer. I do not recommend this activity. The MRI itself wasn't as bad as I feared (apparently, I am not claustrophobic), but that damn shot was painful, and my hip hurt for about a week afterward. It didn't help that they managed to hit a nerve while they were in there, I imagine.

What the MRI told us is that I have "lost" a good bit of the cartilage that ought to be padding my hip joint. We are all bewildered as to how that happened. The doctors (I ended up seeing a second one, as well) keep asking if there's been any sort of trauma or injury. There hasn't. I am apparently too young for a hip replacement, and one of the doctors actually said "this isn't the kind of thing we do a replacement for." However, there's not really a fix. I got a lot of noise about pain management...but I decided that a steady regimen of Aleve and/or cortisone shots don't really appeal to me at this point in my life, for various reasons. One doctor said physical therapy wouldn't really help, the other said it might, so I might look into that at a later point.

For now, I'm just limping along. I'm sort of learning what sets it off and what doesn't ... unfortunately, exercising 6 days a week seems to be problematic. It was pointed out to me that loss of cartilage with resulting bone contact, inflammation, and pain is essentially arthritis. So, I've got an arthritic hip at the age of 33. Apparently, that's fairly unusual for someone under the age of 65. But what can you do? It's not as though I can do something that will bring about the return of that cartilage. I plan on just keeping on and seeing what happens later. I might go back to another orthopedist at some point, just to see if they have anything different to say. And maybe, when I'm old enough, they'll replace the sucker. I have to admit, I'm kind of hoping for that. I totally want to be that 50 year old vet fencer with the bionic hip.

The Poet Lovers - Eugene Field

Completely charmed by this poem I just found ... it's the final piece in a book I'm processing.




In some cases, it helps if you speak it aloud. I think my favorite line is Speak not at Talbot give some sign,/However Smollet be.

The art of being grown-up

Went to a conference. Ashamed of feeling like a kid, along for the ride. Everyone's so serious and intellectual, and I just don't know how to be that way. I'm not really 100% convinced that I have the desire ... I'm lazy. I do know that I meet incredible people who leave me with the desperate need to be impressive. But really, I just have more interest in life itself than in any particular aspect. I've never been able to devote my whole mind, body, and being to a single subject. Is that a bad thing? There are plenty of people out there who contribute, right, without being the world-changers? Do the people they admire still think highly of them, just as human beings, or are they merely disappointed?

...Rather, does one really have to be defined by one's career? Motivated, inspired, intrigued, yet confused, desirous, lost.

Things on my afternoon walk downtown that made me smile

*This on my iPod.
*Tulips!
*People jogging.
*A gentleman carrying a Chico Bag.
*An elderly woman who reminded me somehow of my grandmother.
*The building with the "Danbury Police Community Services Building" sign. Aren't the police, by definition, entirely "community services"?
*The boy in CVS who attempted to chat me up by remarking on the amount of cat hair on my fleece jacket.
*The business employee out in front of his store watering the shrubbery ... with a little silver watering can.
*The clock sticking out of the side of the building (that did not say four of two).
*Did I mention the tulips? I love tulips.

Oh, hello

Dear me. I've said nothing interesting in a while. Perhaps ever. Um...I shall now attempt to list the things that have occupied my brainspace for the past few weeks:

*vacations
*hiking
*nature
*torture
*politics
*Russell Crowe
*Anna Karenina (Yes! I am reading a Russian novel, and I am enjoying it!)
*cataloging
*Charles Dickens
*SPRING
*children and child-rearing
*singing (Starting to miss it)
*the future
*aging/dying/depressing things
*I, Claudius (Mostly the identification of random British actors whilst watching crazy Roman people do crazy, crazy things. Oh, Caligula.)
*thinking more deeply about a subject before I mouth off about it (You know, actually using my brain?)
*clothes/style
*fencing, my effing hip, and physical fitness in general


...Hmm. Maybe some time soon I'll have something that I feel is worthy to say, again. Maybe. I mean, just look at that list. It is fraught with potential subjects for deep and meaningful blogging, isn't it? Anything in particular I should pontificate upon, theoretic readers?

The Ugly Truth

I totally want to see this movie. I generally enjoy rom-coms, and my love for Gerard Butler is well-documented ... although I kind of can't stand Katherine Heigl. What is interesting to me about this movie, though, is that so far we've got two trailers, and I don't think that fully follow the usual formula for rom-com trailers. Boy and girl meet. Boy and girl hate each other. Boy/Girl is interested in other Boy/Girl. Ultimately, Boy/Girl and second Boy/Girl doesn't work out, and original Boy/Girl realize that they're perfect for each other. And usually the trailer reflects that. In this case, however, we get only marginal hints that maaaybe Boy is realizing he really likes Girl, but no indication that Girl is interested in Boy, or that second Boy is going to turn out to be a total jerk. Now, I don't doubt for a second that this is how the movie is actually going to play out, but I think it's interesting that they're withholding this in the trailers. Brilliant marketing, really, since you might go see it just to see if they actually do something different.

Or maybe I'm just continually looking for excuses to go see it. Y'know, aside from the fact that Gerard Butler is totally going to be my second husband. ;)

**Don't feel like posting links to trailers. You can look 'em up if you're interested.

An open letter

To teenaged girls (yes, I know, there are none reading this blog) everywhere:

See this?

That's Dev Patel. He was in that movie, Slumdog Millionaire. No, not the one about emo vampires ... the one that won 8 Oscars last night. Yeah. Anyway. Look at him! He is young, and adorable, and British, but with a nice exotic twist. He looks clean and alert and seems to be unfailingly polite. So cute! So charming! I really fail to understand why you are not all screaming and swooning over him instead of


Robert Pattinson, who says really weird things in interviews, seems to have an aversion to even the most rudimentary of hair styling tools or products, and really just looks stoned most of the time.

Can we work on that? Seriously, I think you'll thank me as time goes by and you get a little older. Kthxbye!

Crosswords + Chickweed = win.

Awesome. Means "to kiss", btw. I'm seriously going to be using that word whenever possible.

GOOP

Hi. My name is Samantha, and I like GOOP. Just in case there's anyone reading this (who doesn't know what GOOP is), I will explain. GOOP is, more or less, the blog of Gwyneth Paltrow, in which she offers recommendations on the following: Food to make, places to go, things to see and do, things to buy, and ways to make one's life better. The website has many detractors, even in terms of the bigger guns, like E!Online, which never misses an opportunity to mock this website. But you know what? I think it's pretty cool. I get all the snarky comments about how she thinks she's the next Martha Stewart, or she seems to forget that she is a ridiculously rich person and therefore has different taste/ideas about what is affordable than us average Janes, or that it's just so holier-than-thou. And to those comments, I choose to reply with an idea that is becoming really important to me as I grow: Learn from whatever source you can. Are her recommendations sometimes expensive, or snooty, or just plain ridiculous (I'm looking at you, detox diets)? Sure. But sometimes, they're good! I like her notion of layering outfits by starting with basic pieces that can be added to depending on the occasion. We actually tried two of her recipes for our Thanksgiving dinner, and they were really good! And she's got a workout video posted that was done by her trainer, who also trains Madonna. Now, sure, this trainer probably charges astronomically for a private session, but who am I to look askance at a free workout video? Might I remind you that both Gwyneth Paltrow and Madonna, while sometimes scarily so in the latter's case, are both in really good shape?
I'm not saying that anyone should follow Gwyneth Paltrow's (or anyone else's, for that matter) ideas about how to live life wholly or to the letter ... you should come up with your own. But the best way I know to do that is to borrow shamelessly from other people when you think they have a good idea. And so, I will avoid detox diets and overpriced Christmas gifts, but I will enjoy the use of black leggings as a basis for getting dressed in the morning, and roasted brussels sprouts and a really good salad dressing, and positive recommendation on a great sushi restaurant in NYC, and glowing praise for a book I've been meaning to read, and I think my life will be better for it. If others choose to miss out because they think they're being condescended to by Pepper Potts, well, that's their choice. Me, I'll take tips on life from wherever they come. Even if the name "GOOP" is pretty freakin' stupid.

Social networking?

You know, Facebook is kind of sad when you were never the popular kid. There are lots of people from my past that I remember fondly, and it's always exciting to find them on some website, to see what they've been up to and what they look like now. I'm happy to see them. I like to talk to them, hear how they've been, and all of that. And that's great.
I've come to realize, however, that such "relationships" leave me cold. This is unsurprising, and probably not unusual, but I think it goes deeper than that. Because I spend (too much) time on things like Facebook, I see the interactions that my friends have with their friends. They're all so excited to see each other! And they go into immediate reminiscences, and they often call each other to catch up, and maybe even meet up. And I guess what I realize is that I have always been on the periphery.
I was never the popular kid. In grade school, I was the antithesis of the popular kid. In high school and college, I thought that I fit in more, but I guess people still held me at arm's length. There are no "Hey, remember when"s and "I was just talking about you"s and "Call me, let's get together"s. There are certainly practical reasons for that, most notably the fact that I live nowhere near most of these people. And I admit that there are some people I never knew that well due to my own disinterest or some other reason. But ultimately ... I think of the quote from the film version of Sense & Sensibility when Willoughby says of Brandon that he is the sort of person that "everyone thinks highly of, but no-one remembers to talk to".
I think that I am just a person that people encountered on the way rather than someone they remember fondly or wish to reconnect with. I'm just that girl, the little one that everyone picked on, or the one who dressed funny and didn't wear shoes, or the one who showed up at lots of fencing tournaments. I suppose that I shouldn't complain, as there are most likely a whole slew of people that nobody remembers at all. But it makes me sad. What people don't realize about me is that all I have ever wanted in my life was to fit in somewhere. Be normal. One of them. But I was somehow always the unusual one, and the more people treated me as such, the more I suppose it came true.
There's worse, though, and that's the people that I realize want largely nothing to do with me, and some who I know don't even like me anymore. It makes me realize that I must've done something, or been someone that they didn't like or that made them unhappy. I suppose some have just moved on and don't care one way or the other.
At the bottom of it, though, is that same little girl who never uttered a word and never cried, but who only wanted to be included and loved. I still try so hard, maybe too hard, to make people happy or make them like me or just make them feel good because I like making people feel happy. I do it freely, yes; but doesn't every one want something in return? I remind myself to look for that love and acceptance from the few close friends I do have, from my husband, from myself ... but I don't think I ever got over not having it from the people I grew up with, and I wonder if I will ever stop looking for it now.

Words looked up today:

apostasy
haem
meson

This edification brought to you by leisure activities such as "Word Challenge" on Facebook and The Audacity of Hope by Barack Obama.